.

This year I am giving some ill gotten gains to the good folks at;

The Little Sisters Of The Poor, St Josephs Home (as I do every year, they get you young)

The Teapot Trust

WRVS, East Lothian Good Neighbours

Border Collie Trust, GB, and

Gullane Village Hall.

So, see if you can find twa bob to give to someone else. Cheers.

I'm not saying I'm in favour of genocide, but...

2011-12-01T13:31:00.005Z

Can't we do something about the Gaels? Now I don't mean proper Gaels, you know, the ones fae heuchter teuchter land. No, I'm talking aboot the la-di-da, middle class, never spoke a word of Gaelic in their lives, living in the city, panini munching, Fair Isle wearing numpties who want their bairns to speak a furrin language.

See, there's a Gaelic school in Embra. A place where Gaelic was never spoken because, despite what the hippy liberals who've ruined this country will tell you, it was NEVER the national language of Scotland, and was NEVER native to Embra.

But the cooncil hoors upped and opened a Gaelic school, so that wee Auchtermuchty and his sister Ecclefechan can be taught a language that makes Latin seem alive and hearty. Bad enough, you would think. However, the chattering classes managed to stir themselves from their lattes long enough to moan aboot how the school at Tollcross wisnae big enough for all the mini la-di-das, and how the cooncil should so Something.

Now the cooncil have been doing something aboot schools in Embra. They've been shutting them doom aw o'er the place, regardless of what teacher, parents and kiddywinks might need or want. And one of them was Bonnington Primary School. Now, my Mammy was born just across the road fae there. She never went, mind, because she was a good Catholic in thay days. So, despite the increasing population of Leith, and despite the projections of further increases, the cooncil reckoned it would be better to shut it doon, rather than refurbish it for modern use. Cos the cooncil is skint. But.

Somehow, when we're all tightening our belts and buckling doom for a double-dip, they've miraculously found the money to do it up and turn into the new Gaelic school! Amazing. Now, at the time of the last census, the number of Gaelic, sorry Gàidhlig, speakers in Embra was too small to be measured. Because they all live in the fucking Hebrides!

You'd think was bad enough, but I've just found today that, because, officially, it's the cooncil who've set up the new school in Leith, rather than the la-di-da, middle class, never spoke a word of Gaelic in their lives, living in the city, panini munching, Fair Isle wearing numpties, who begged them for a new school, we have to pay for the wee la-di-das to be transported there.

Now, as we've established none of the people who go there would be seen dead living in Tollcross, which means they have to drive them there in their environmentally 4x4s. But, now, according to someone I met, who lives in Corstorphine, and who drives his son to Tollcross every day, the cooncil (i.e you and me) will pay for a taxi to transport him to Leith. Seriously. I'm not making this up. And how much is that going to cost for every bloody bairn getting sent there?

So, although I'm not saying I'm in favour of genocide, can't we do something about the fake, wannabee Gaels? Please.

Tragedy of 100,000 buried in paupers' graves over past five years

2011-11-29T13:38:00.007Z

Tragedy of 100,000 buried in paupers' graves over past five years

So says the garish headline on the Daily Mail.

They go on. "Soaring funeral prices and the breakdown of families mean about 21,000 pensioners die every year without the money for funeral bills and with no relatives willing or able to pay.

Their funerals are paid for by councils, many of which have admitted they inter the bodies in communal plots or cremate them to save costs."

So bloody what? Naturally, a charity want the government to do "something". Which will inevitable involve said charity having lots of meetings with government officials, at public expense, to decide what this "something will be".

But, again, so bloody what. My Uncle Ian (pictured above) died three years back, a month shy of his 90th birthday. He lived in a cooncil flat, and spent his pension on whisky, baccy and deep fried chicken suppers. He'd never married, had no kids that he would admit to, and died skint. So when I got the phone call from the polis, I got the cooncil to cremate him, and bury his ashes in a mass grave.

I was the only relative who went aboot him, and there was no-one to come to his funeral bar me, so what was the point? The cooncil, shockingly, handled everything splendidly, and even told me when the cremation was taking place, so I could say a wee prayer.

It wisnae a tragedy, it was just life. Or rather death. The system works for once, so leave it alone, eh.

Tram company in lavvy shocker

2011-10-19T08:38:00.002Z

Anyone want to tell me why the tram company (TIE) have applied for planning permission to demolish the public toilets in Cathedral Lane, at the back of St Marys Cathedral?

Oh, and how did they become the owners in the first place? And what the hell are they planning for that toty wee lane?

They're up to summat, count on it.

Here's the planning application.

Documentary en Canada

2011-09-25T08:44:00.002Z

Happy to contribute a photograph to a documentary on Queen Elizabeths Coronation and Canada. Don't understand a word of it, but best of luck to Ninon Larochelle and her film. She's here - http://web.me.com/ni.laro/Site/Bienvenue.html and this is the picture -

Edinburgh's shut for business

2011-09-20T08:24:00.002Z

So that's the tram works underway again. And thanks to the fucktards at TIE and the City of Edinburgh Council, my 20 minute bus journey this morning lasted an hour, before I got off the bus and walked the last leg of the journey.

But, according to the apologists over at the Scotsman, who must have got a good few backhanders for all the butt licking they've done over this, I've to stop moaning. Easy enough for them to say, but if you add up every minute of my life that's been stolen by this disaster of a project, I'd have enough time left for a nice long holiday somewhere, anywhere, but here.

So don't believe a word of what they're saying. Edinburgh is very much shut for business.

I sincerely hope that every single person involved in this project gets a sharpened tram rail rammed up their arse, every minute of every day the spend rotting in Hell.

Outdoor swimming pond, North Berwick

2011-08-25T11:27:00.001Z

Outdoor swimming pond, North Berwick - some cracking new pictures over at SCRAN.

Embra bits and boabs

2011-08-17T14:27:00.004Z

I knew there wis mair o' the bastards than ever before. After all the girning and moaning fae the tourist lobby saying how hard up they were, and how they needed mair public money, whits happened?

Aye, Embra Airport has their busiest month Ever. Embra Castle has its busiest month Ever. And now even the cooncil and Scottish Tourism Economic Activity Monitor have come clean. Between January 1 and March 31, the amount of money spent by visitors to the city was up nine per cent on the same time last year, at £375.1 million, while visitor numbers were also up by 8.6 per cent at 3.47m. So is it no aboot time some of them buggered off back hame, so I can get a seat on the bus. Gits.

On the subject of Embra Toon Cooncil, seems as though seeing they huvnae had a good idea Ever, they've just decided to chory someone elses. You've probably forgotten that Embra is "the world’s first city of literature". Although you may have seen the faded posters on the derelict building next to St Andrews Square.

However, even though we've nae money and the cooncil is bleating aboot how skint they are, turns oot they're drawing up secret plans to revamp the Central Library on George IV Bridge, to turn it into “the flagship literary centre of the world’s first city of literature”.

This is despite the fact that there is already a a £3 million plan to transform a forgotten building off the Royal Mile to help create a literary “hub” in the area.
The Scottish Book Trust (SBT) had won the support of the local authority and other literary bodies for plans which would have seen it expand from its own building at Trunk’s Close, off the High Street.

You won't be surprised to learn that the cooncil plans are going to cost up to £10m to deliver. These plans have dismayed supporters of the Royal Mile scheme, which would have seen the 15th-century Trinity Apse host readings and talks from authors.

Cooncillor Deidre Brock, the council’s culture leader [sic], said: “The cooncil has agreed to explore ways of reinvigorating the Central Library to properly reflect its status as the flagship literary centre of the world’s first Unesco city of literature, for the reality is this listed building is in need of substantial investment.” Which may or may not be proper English, but is most definitely shite.

Over in good news world, an Edinburgh-based organisation is aiming to bring people together through shared memories and tales from the past.

The Living Memory Association has been working for almost 20 years to encourage residents to become involved with their communities. In addition, the association boasts an archive of more than 2000 photographs of Edinburgh dating back to 1850, all of which have been donated by members of the public and are now available online.

Photographs have been used to make ‘Life Stories’ books for older members, books and now a calendar, which will raise money for the charity.

The calendar includes pictures of Edinburgh Dynamos Ladies' Football Club, Portobello Beach and the Palais de Danse in Fountainbridge as well as memories of Baillie Barrie's children's trips, the Co-op Store, the coronation street parties and more.

Calendars cost £2.99 (plus 50p postage) and are available from The LMA, The Stables, 64/1 The Causeway, Duddingston Village, Edinburgh EH15 3PZ. To order a copy call John or Miles on 0131 661 3222 or email john@livingmemory.org.uk

Finally, I hate it when people I know do well, so ya boo sucks tae my old Seccy Studies teacher, Miss Niven, who efter teaching me to type, has ended up has being appointed depute chief executive of West Lothian Council. She hated me, the only boy in the class,and I spent many a lesson in the stationery cupboard, instead of oot in the class with the girls. On the plus side, she's in West Lothian, so it may have ended up a draw.

People who can say it better than me

2011-08-10T08:29:00.004Z

People who can say it better than me include;

"It is self-evident that the welfare state has fundamentally undermined the family, enabling and actually encouraging fatherless families to become commonplace. This is a social disaster. Welfare incentives are powerful nudges in a negative direction. Downing Street wonks should understand that “nudge theory” works two ways, not always in a positive direction." - more here

"I’ve reported McIntyre to the Metropolitan Police for the offence of incitement to riot – you can do so too by phoning 101 to be connected to the Met’s control room, whether you report McIntyre or another instance of incitement". - more here.

"Years of liberal dogma have spawned a generation of amoral, uneducated, welfare dependent, brutalised youngsters" - more here.

How to respond to riots - Philadelphia mayor talks tough to black teenagers after ‘flash mobs’ - more here.

"Theresa May was once worried about seeming nasty. She should relax. The average pussy cat is more intimidating than our so-called forces of law and order". - more here.

I knew this day would come

2011-08-09T06:39:00.002Z

I knew this day would come.

I just hoped it would take a wee while longer, so I wisnae around to see it. And you know whose fault it is? Well, yes it's theirs, but I'm pointing my finger at you.

And by you, I mean the hippy, liberal, middle classes who have destroyed this country. The ones who infiltrated the education system, the care system and the criminal justice system from the late sixties onwards. The ones who decided to indocrinate the belief that we have rights without responsibilities.

The ones who decided that punishment was a bad thing, and that we should coddle the evil amongst us. The ones who decided to take the blame upon their own shoulders. After all, if you've got an arts degree from a former polytechnic, it's only right that those "less fortunate" shouldn't have to accept any responsibility for their own deeds.

You bred generations of a feral underclass who think they're entitled to everything, but who have absolutely no interest in earning anything. You allowed the drugs and the guns to flourish whilst wringing your hands and blaming it on a lack of youth centres.

It's your fault that our police force stand one side of the road, while feral youths riot, loot, destroy businesses, force people out of their jobs and burn people from their homes. This isn't a time for the BBC to fill our screens with your handwringing and class guilt. It's a time for rubber bullets and water cannons.

You decided it was racist to point out where the majority of drug and crime take place, because it's all your fault, thanks to our colonial past. Well I never fucking enslaved anyone, and it's not my fucking fault. So stop pissing about, punish wrongdoers, force them to take the blame they so richly deserve.

Let's drive out the wishy washy, liberal, Guardian sponsored insanity from out society, and build a new one, based on responsibility.

For ducks sake

2011-07-07T12:57:00.004Z

After this lunchtime, I feel reassured that the safety of our citizens is at the heart of polis activity. I will no longer be moaning about my tax money being wasted on frivolity, while hardened criminals and evil masterminds plot my demise.

Not after seeing three (3) polismen chasing a duck around Atholl Crescent Gardens. And they weren't alone. The complete roll call involved;

2 polismen with a cardboard box

A woman in uniform, but not a police uniform, with a butterfly net

A cyclist

A man with a sack, who was obviously looking to get something for his tea

This group would try and sneak up on the duck while it wasn't looking, then try and catch it in the box / net / sack. Only to be left looking foolish as the duck, which seemed to find the whole thing rather amusing, would quack loudly in indignation, fly 50 feet away, and await a repeat of the situation. Now, in case you think I'm using the word duck as a euphemism for terrorist / kiddyfiddler / journalist, I'm not. It was one of these.

That's right. A duck. Who was finding it very easy to evade the attempts of the polis to capture it. Which helps clarify why criminals seem to manage to stay out of their clutches as well. The polis, that is, not ducks. I've never seen a duck arrest anyone.

Sadly, I had to leave, but was there long enough to see the arrival of reinforcements from Torphichen Street Polis Station, in the shape of a third polisman, who embarked upon his duck chasing with vigour & enthusiasm. Well done, Lothian and Borders Polis!

Read all abaht it

2011-06-29T13:09:00.003Z

Right, what's in the news that's making me blink, read it again, and go WTF!

Well, first of all, is the news that the first attempt at a nationwide assessment of patterns of child sexual exploitation reveals that 26% of those who engage in on-street grooming of young girls are Asian.

Except it's not. Honest, guv, I'm lying. And I'm a racialist. And I should be hamstrung for even suggesting it. At least, so Peter Davies, the director of the Child Exploitation and Online Protection centre (Ceop), which carried out the research reckons.

Apparently, we shouldn't jump to any conclusions from the findings on the ethnicity of offenders because "the data gathered by his investigators was incomplete, not nationwide and of poor quality."

Eh? So it's not research, then, is it. So you don't publish it. Especially, in a country with rising racial tensions. Twat of the week, definitely.

Thankfully, things got better when I realised that the economic crisis and the all round tightening of belts, has been taken on board by those who seek to lead by example.

Because the Prince of Wales took on ten extra staff and increased his spending on travel by more than 50 per cent last year, his annual accounts show.

His travel costs leapt from £692,000 to £1.08 million in the same period, and taxpayer-funded grants also increased by more than 40 per cent despite his income from the Duchy of Cornwall rising by £635,000.

Thanks, Chuck. I'm glad to see you're feeling my pain. You knut.

In the latest "can I have a job with the BBC" news, it seems that te former second-in-command at the BBC got a redundancy payment of around £950,000 when he left the corporation last month. Mark Byford, who was made redundant when his deputy director general role was eliminated as part of a cost-cutting exercise, joined the corporation in 1979 as a television researcher at BBC Leeds. The Daily Telegraph reported that Mr Byford will also be eligible for pension payments by 2013 on top of the £950,000.

Nice lack of work if you can get it. Perhaps someone should tell the BBC that we're in a recession, and they're all a bunch of hippy, liberal, bastards who couldnae get a real job if they tried. the bunch of knuts.

Finally, I've always said the French don't get music. And I'm glad to be proven right again. Because a British student who was knocked out in the early stages of the UK's X Factor has gone on to win the French version of the show.

Mr Raymond-Barker and his challenger Marina D'Amico, aged just 17, performed alongside international stars Beyonce and Bruno Mars in the final. He beat Ms D'Amico by just 1,300 votes, and was visibly shocked when the result was announced live on French TV. Not surprising when he was too rubbish for the risible UK show.

This is the loser by the way;

A monument to me

2011-06-28T14:56:00.007Z

I deserve one. A monument that is. After all, I've been pretty amazing all these years. And as there is already a street in Edinburgh called Great Stuart Street, I'd be happy to have my statue placed there.

This is it. Pretty nice, eh. A monument to majestic Georgian street planning and architecture.

Sadly for me, there is also a street called Stuarts Buildings. Don't go looking for it. See, they're so embarrassed by the whole thing, they renamed it, and tried to let the ravages of time erase it from memory.

Now, I'm no betting man*, but why do I feel that come the time of my passing, I'm more likely to end up as a Stuarts Buildings rather than a Great Stuart Street? Knackered, run doon, next to the pool hall, across the road fae the polis station. [sigh].

You bastards.

This is Stuarts Buildings.

Not so nice. In fact, a bit shit.

* oh, and this is a lie.

There's nae bloody bacon, right

2011-06-24T08:05:00.002Z

So there's four o'ye, right. Four teenage laddies, obviously oot on some kind o' long weekend release scheme for retards. And yer in Greggs, right. And yer aw standing next to each other, right. And the first wan gets served. And he says; "a bacon roll". And the woman says "we've nae bacon, we've only goat Lorne". And then he says, "so yayve nae bacon. "Naw", says the woman, "we've only goat Lorne". "Ah'll huv Lorne, then", says eejit number wan.

Number two orders. And he says; "a bacon roll". And the woman says "we've nae bacon, we've only goat Lorne". And then he says, "so yayve nae bacon. "Naw", says the woman, "we've only goat Lorne". "Ah'll huv Lorne, then", says eejit number two.

Number three orders. And he says; "a bacon roll". And the woman says "we've nae bacon, we've only goat Lorne". And then he says, "so yayve nae bacon. "Naw", says the woman, "we've only goat Lorne". "Ah'll huv Lorne, then", says eejit number three.

Number four orders. And, wait for it, he says; "a bacon roll". And the woman says "we've nae bacon, we've only goat Lorne". And then he says, "so yayve nae bacon. "Naw", says the woman, "we've only goat Lorne". "Ah'll huv Lorne, then", says eejit number four.

THEY'VE NAE FUCKIN' BACON YA RANCID EEJITS! It's no rocket science. A pig didnae suddenly die, inbetween you ordering, and jump headlong intae the frying pan. THERE IS. NO. FUCKING. BACON.

Bacon pictured earlier today, when there still was fucking bacon.

Monkey fudging cyclists

2011-06-22T09:07:00.002Z

Monkey fudging cyclists

I hate them. With a vengeance. They're the rudest, most ill-mannered, pig ignorant bastards you're ever likely to come across. Or, as is more likely, they'll come across you, through a red light, over a pedestrian crossing and the wrong way doon a one way street. Utter shites, the lot of them. And for some strange reason, we're supposed to respect the fact that they're rude, ill-mannered, pig ignorant rat bastards.

"Oh, look at me, I'm so uber--green, I make Kermit the Frog look like a petrol guzzling 4x4". Ah, fuck off. You're the one jetting off to Columbia for your poncho-weaving, all inclusive, ethnic holidays and taking long cycling weekends up in the Highlands. You know, the ones where you strap your bike to the back of your car, and drive 300 miles through the countryside spewing fumes out everywhere you go.

And when you're not doing more to ruin the environment in a weekend than I can manage in an entire non-flying, non-driving, public transport using lifetime, you expect special treatment. Fuck off. This is, apparently, National Bike Week. Which gives the urban hippies even more reason to spout their utter bilge and garbage, all of which is swallowed up by the bend over and take it hippy liberal media.

As an aside, did you know that in winter, wind farms have to be heated by conventional means to stop them freezing up, and that uses more electricity than they generate. Oh, and on really windy days, they generate too much electricity, and that's just dispersed into the air, as the grid can't cope with what's being generated. Facts, people, but not facts the hippies will tell you aboot.

Back to bikes. The latest utter shite that they're trrying to perpetrate is a cracker. They want the buses to put bicycle racks on the buses. No, that's not me having a stroke. It's true. They've even wheeled oot a couple of tame hippies to put doon a motion at the diddy Scotch Parly. And if ever the phrase "put doon a motion" deserved it's having a shite connotation, then it's this one. So hands up, and wash them when you're finished, Alison Johnstone and Marco Biagi. Who're now oan my list, come the revolution.

Have they ever considered getting on their fuckiong bikes. The rat bastards.

El McPresidente

2011-06-15T09:23:00.001Z

El McPresidente

Nice to see that Wee Fat Eck (pictured below left), or His Majesty as we're noo expected to call him, let his true colours shine through the other day.

He took a benny at Supreme Court judge Lord Hope, calling him a "tumshie", a "ba-heid", and a "bampot". Which is fair enough, because he is. But the Lord High Commander of All Things Scotch is supposed to talk in bland, meaningless, cliches. He is a politician, after all.

In an interview with Holyrood magazine, Wee Fat Eck said: "All I would say to Lord Hope is that I probably know a wee bit about the legal system and he probably knows a wee bit about politics, but politics and the law intertwine and the political consequences of Lord Hope's judgments are extreme, and when the citizens of Scotland understandably vent their fury about the prospect of some of the vilest people on the planet getting lots of money off the public purse, they don't go chapping at Lord Hope's door, they ask their parliament what they are doing about it."

When asked whether his granny was at Arbroath, the Furst Meenister was unable to confirm or deny rumours that she had, in fact feenished her soup.

Early goat getters for June

2011-06-01T08:51:00.001Z

Now I'm not actually anti the House of Lords. God knows, we need someone to pay attention to what these eejits are up to doonstairs in the House of Commons. But they really need to sort themselves out when it comes to criminals.

Role model, Lord Taylor of Warwick, the first black Tory peer has just been jailed for 12 months for expenses fraud. He lied under oath during his trial in an attempt to cover up fraudulent claims for more than £11,000 in taxpayers' money. He's also been thrown out of the Conservative Party, but, thanks to existing laws, he will keep his seat in the House of Lords. Yup, once he does his bird, he can go back to the House of Lords, and start claiming expenses again. And even if he only claims the daily allowance, that still gets him £300 per day as payment for being a lying thief. Git.

Back in Embra, the tram (singular) project is rattling along nicely. What with another chief executive having packed it in, seems like four directors are on their way out as well. The top quality four are Neil Scales, chief executive of Merseytravel, Brian Cox, a former executive at Stagecoach, Scottish Government official Kenneth Hogg and Peter Strachan, a former director at Network Rail.

You'll be glad to know that they are not responsible in any way for the arsefaced project, despite having been on Tie's board for five years, while the tram (singular) lurches from one disaster to another. Nope, they are top quality executives with a successful track record in implementing large scale transport projects, and not a bunch of shithead eejits who couldnae lick an envelope for themselves. I'm sure their invaluable contribution will be recognised with an array of future directorships. The dirty bastards.

According to the BBC last night, we're in the middle of a drought! As this was announced on the national news by a television channel whose first B stands for British (not Bastarding as many folks think), I leapt into panic mode, ran up to Annas, bought every bottle of Highland Spring water they had, filled the bath to the brim with mucky Seafield water, and prepared myself for dehydration. So I was slightly dismayed to read the newspaper this morning, which told me in no uncertain terms, that Scotland "experienced a washout this spring, with Met Office figures showing Scotland had 2,300 per cent more rain than the parched fields of East Anglia."

Eh? It certainly explains all the wet stuff that's been oot there for the past few months, but when I switched on the BBC news to check, they were still claiming that we (that's we as in Britain) were in the middle of the same drought as yesterday. So, now I'm just confused. And in times of confusion, there is only one place to turn. The hamelands o' West Cothar. And who better in West Calder to ask than internet umbrella company brolliesgalore.co.uk, which is based there. And the definitive answer is "rainfall is good for us. We've had an increase in sales for Scotland." So the BBC are wrong. We're no having a drought at all. The dirty lying bastards.

A drought pictured yesterday.

Artisan pastries

2011-05-27T10:08:00.000Z

Artisan pastries

Now I don't know what an artisan pastry is. I'm guessing, based on the window display, that it's a bakery. Why else would they have an assortment of bread and cakes for the world to see. From the use of the word artisan, I'm also guessing that there is an implication that the bread and cakes are handmade. At least, handmade in the respect that someone handles them on the way from display to oh so right-on recyclable brown paper bag.

Which means they create their baked goods in the same manner as the wee local bakery in Morrison Street. The cunningly named Morrisons Bakers. So why exactly do they charge £2.95 for an artisan baked good, which seems, to the untrained eye, to resemble a slightly past its sell by date scone, when the bakers charges 48p for a delicious, fresh out of the oven, fruit scone.

I can only assume the added charge if for the pain they endure when they pull said artisan pastry OUT OF THEIR ARSES!

The dirty, thieving, hippy barstards. Hell in a handbasket, I tell ye, hell in a handbasket. Albeit an artisan handbasket.

Odds and sods

2011-05-19T09:28:00.004Z

So what's it all aboot then. Let's see.

Well, I've been on my holidays. It was rerr. Peace and quiet is a wonderful thing, and returning to Embra foul city has been even more unpleasant than usual. Especially, as the week away seems to have been more than enough time for all the shitheads to become even shittier.

Looks like the Barnton Hotel will finally be demolished, after the owners allowed the listed building to fall into such disrepair, that's it's aboot tae fall over, all by itself. This was what it looked like back in the day. Hopefully, Aviemore-based Barnton Properties who own it will never be allowed to "develop" anthing again. Gits.

On the subject of the city being despoiled, Edinburgh University are at it again. They've destroyed more of this cities heritage than anyone else, with everything they touch turning to keech. Now they want to build a self-proclaimed "landmark tower". That's right, a landmark tower. Not a butt ugly tower block that will look like a Stalinist reject has vomited concrete, but a landmark. I'm sure it will mark the land, like every other horrendous university building for miles around, but have we no learned from the past?

The proposals include an "octagonal tower" or "circular tower" on the corner of the site overlooking the Meadows, where the old Dick Vet school building is. Now, I'm all in favour of knocking doon that piece of shite, but let's look at the last building the University threw up in Embra.

Lovely, isn't it. And that was just a couple of years back in Crichton Square.

Over on the good news front, a paedophile has had his minimum sentence slashed today by judges who described his crimes as appalling and depraved. Oh hang on, that should read 'fucking awful, nightmare news'.

Morris Petch, 54, was given a life sentence after being found guilty of raping two little girls - who were also the victims of sickening abuse as they were passed round a paedophile ring.

Trial judge Lord Malcolm ruled that serial sex offender Petch should spend at least 12 years behind bars, before he could ask the parole board to free him. Later Petch joined forces with another sick bastard who should have been hung, drawn and quartered, Robert Foye, who raped a teenage schoolgirl while he was on the run from Castle Huntley open prison, to challenge the way judges calculate minimum sentences.

Lord Osborne, sitting with Lords Woolman and Wheatley, cut the so-called "punishment part" which Petch must serve to eight years. The stupid, useless, idiotic bastard, scum sucking retards. It's at times like this that I really hope there is a special level of hell reserved for people like them. A scandal and a disgrace.

The Great British Judiciary

2011-04-21T08:35:00.003Z

Private schools with charitable status are a joke. We all know it. It's all done for tax reasons, and the few puir bairns they admit usually have a helluva time, constantly sitting exams for bursaries, books and uniforms, whilst being picked on by the rich kids for being charity cases.

So I was pleased to hear that Dominic Grieve, the English Attorney-General, has asked a charity tribunal to clarify how the public benefit test applies to fee-charging schools.

However, guess what? Two of the three judges who will hear the forthcoming case on fee-charging schools and public benefit went to such schools themselves, those involved with the case have been told. But it's OK, because the lead judge Mr Justice Warren says he is confident this will not prejudice their view of the case

Mr Justice Warren, said two of the judges had been privately educated. Two of the three judges had children, he said, and both of those judges had sent their children to fee-charging schools for at least part of their education. One judge had a child who was currently attending a fee-charging school, Warren said. So they'll be fair and impartial, then. [shakes head and mutters].

At the hearing in May, the tribunal will consider an application by the Independent Schools Council for a judicial review of the Charity Commission’s guidance on how fee-charging schools can demonstrate that they provide public benefit.

A bit of history

George Heriot died in London in February 1624, and was buried at St. Martin-in-the-Fields. Heriot is believed to have had two sons by his first wife, who were drowned at sea, but the exact details of their death are unknown. He had no other legitimate children - his second marriage was childless - but in his will left money to provide for two illegitimate daughters, aged ten and four. There were additional bequests to his stepmother and his half-siblings, as well as his nieces and nephews. However, the residue of the estate, some £23,625, was left to the city of Edinburgh, in order to establish a hospital for the education of the "puir, faitherless bairns" of deceased Edinburgh burgesses

Here are the fees charged by the charitable George Heriots in Embra.

The school fees for session 2010-2011 are:
Nursery to P2 £6,288 pa
P3 to P7 £7,636 pa
S1 to S6
£9,434 pa

George Heriot's Trust is a charity registered in Scotland (SC011463).

April Knuts in full bloom

2011-04-06T12:40:00.003Z

Spring has sprung! You can tell by the gale force winds and driving rain, so I'm glad to see that the April Knuts were oot in full bloom today.

The first sighting of a spring knut was in George Street, at rush hour this morning. A red-arsed female cyclist decided that the appropriate thing to do at a zebra crossing, where all the other traffic had stopped, was to sail right through it. A few salient comments were hurled her way, but only the wibble-wobble of her fat arse could be seen. Luckily, I got a second sighting a few minutes later, when the same cycling knut went through the red lights at Charlotte Square, just as pedestrians were enjoying the opportunity to cross at the green man. I hate cyclists anyway, but this one was a particularly fragrant knut in bloom.

Shaken by my encounter with this rancid creature, I went into Greggs for solace. See, sometimes the only thing that gets me oot o bed in the morning is the thought of a crisp roll for breakfast, just before the true horror of my existence sinks in. And so it was this morning, as I battled through wind and rain to my appointment with a buttered roll and a packet of Walkers plain.

So I was not best pleased when my request for a buttered roll, at 9am, in Greggs The Bakers, was met with the response, "we've run oot o' rolls". For once, I was actually speechless. It's a bakers. At 9am. Wi' nae rolls. None of this made sense. Had she only went to day 1 of the Greggs training school, missing oot the vital day 2 seminar on "the", and the essential day 3 which covers "bakers"? Greggs in West Maitland Street. You are April knuts.

Ah, lunchtime! I tried to go into Greggs in Dalry Road, but the trauma of earlier that day induced a mild panic attack, so I went to the Post Office to pay my gas bill. A gas bill that took 6 months for British Gas to get right, after no less than seven different attempts to the wrong address, in the wrong name, for a meter that wisnae mine, one that even went to the United States before being redirected. But finally, a bill, nearly with the right address, but definitely for the right meter and the right amount.

Sorry, sez the nice woman in the Post Office. We cannae take it. They've sent you a bill without a payment slip or a barcode, so there's no way of showing the payment against your account. British Gas. You are utter, utter knuts. I'm actually trying to pay you money. Why are you trying to stop me? That's why you whap the prices up so much. There's only 3 people who can actually pay you, thanks to your incompetence. And they're getting billed for £300 million apiece. You complete knuts.

Whit's goat my April goat

2011-04-01T09:36:00.003Z

Whit's goat my April goat. Incidentally, none of these, repeat none of these are April Fools Day spoofs.

Polis Tarts

You'll have read all the whinging from the polis about how the government cuts are going to mean that they won't be able to arrest anyone, apart from the third Wednesday of each month (excluding July and August when they're on holiday). Well, looks like they've managed to find a few spare polis that they'd tucked away for emergencies.

Because no fewer than three police vehicles arrived outside topless tart Jordans house in Surrey after a small group of fans rang her doorbell asking for an autograph. Despite the fact that she has a large set of locked gates at the end of her driveway, so they couldn't actually get in, the polis units raced to the scene. Even better, TT Jordan wasn't even at home at the time. The model was in Manchester for the day at the Sky call centre, preparing for her post-40 career move.

The polis were unavailable for comment, what with all the groin strains and tennis elbows that resulted from the incident.

The NHS - the envy of the world

You'll have read all the whinging from the NHS about how government cuts are going to mean that our hospitals won't be able to treat anyone and will, instead, tranform themselve into shopping centres and cafes, catering to the over-sixties, a flagship programme being spearheaded by the New Royal Infirmary, just outside Embra. Well, maybe that's a good thing.

Because, Dr Lucius Okere, a Nigerian-born doctor, who qualified in Bologna, Italy was allowed to work as a locum for ten months even though he didn’t understand the meaning of basic medical terms such as “crash call” - thinking it meant car crash. He also slapped patients to see if they were conscious and didn’t properly wash his hands. Not one of the 14 (fourteen) hospital trusts which employed the Dr Okere checked his ability to speak English or his competence.

During a General Medical Council, he was described as a “dangerous and frightening doctor”, “everybody’s nightmare” and a “disaster waiting to happen.” You'll be glad to know that this doesn't just highlight the nightmare that the NHS has become, but also how the Evil European Empire is putting our lives at risk every single day. See, the General Medical Council is banned from carrying out tests on doctors coming in from EU member states because it restricts the “free movement of labour”. However, if you actually come from an English speaking country - Australia, Canada and the US - then doctors have to prove that their medical skills and language are up to scratch before being allowed to work.

The Department of Health has urged health trusts to carry out their own checks on doctors – which are allowed under EU law – but many are failing to do so. Dr Okere came to England in May 2007 and settled in Islington, North London. He signed up with an agency CES Locums and was sent to work at various hospitals including East Surrey Hospital Trust in Redhill, Kettering General and Lymington New Forest Hospital in Hampshire. Each time his contract was terminated within a few days over serious concerns of his competence. But as none of the trusts reported him to the GMC, he was allowed to carry on working and moved on to different hospitals.

I'm stocking up on poultices and leeches, for the next time I'm feeling poorly.

Back to the polis

They're fit, they're healthy, they chase down criminals, leap over cars, scramble over fences, and are so muscle bound, they managed to break a lift.

Or is it that they're just fat?

Police called to disturbance at a tower block had to be rescued by firemen, after they got stuck in a lift. Six burly officers piled into the lift at the 13-storey Brooke House in Basildon, Essex, but their combined weight was too much for it. Dearie, dearie me.

Finally.

National Cleavage Day

Was yesterday. So a big thanks to all the ladies, who helped make this day of humanitarism such a roaring success.

Why are we bombing Libya when "The SPINdustry" is allowed to flourish

2011-03-31T10:24:00.004Z

Why are we bombing Libya when "The SPINdustry" is allowed to flourish

That's the question all right minded people will be asking with the news that on-off special "The SPINdustry", has been picked up by E! for an entire season, albeit one renamed "The Spin Crowd".

If you missed it, you were one of the lucky ones, as the mental degenerates at Command PR took centre stage for a savage indictment of the human race, and one that gives more than enough reasons for any passing alien battle fleet to, justifiably, take us out.

The programme highlighted the superhuman efforts of boss and pretend gay, Jonathan, deputy and actual gay, Simon, along with their assistants / care in the community charges, BubbleHead, WibbleHead, DrippyHead and GivingHead.

Swoon! As they realise they only have 24 hours to save the planet. Gasp! As they solve world hunger through the medium of lollipop promotion. Reel! As Commmand PR answer the question that has baffled philosophers for centuries. The question being, will Mel B actually suck a lollipop, in public, for cash?

It's hard to know who to hate most in this programme, as every one of them is a candidate for most obnoxious, self obsessed, narcissistic, under achiever of the century. Personally, I'm taking out the Commissioning Editor at E!, who must have had his nose so far up Executive Producer Kim Kardashians arse, looking for blow, that he forgot that someone without a single reason for existing is unlikely to be the best source of programme ideas.

And now, there's a whole series to look forward to. I reckon it's time we let Libya off the hook, and started stockpiling weapons for "The Spin Crowd".

When bad films happen to good people

2011-03-26T21:03:00.002Z

Now you all know what I think about Julia Stiles. Well actually you don't, otherwise you would cross the road to avoid me, and put up posters around the neighbourhood. Let's just say she's on the list, and leave it at that. But she doesn't make it easy. Not with the bloody awful films she ends up in.

For sure, her teeny movies were pretty good, but since then it's been a catalogue of the truly grim. And I reckon I've found the worst. "Cry Of The Owl" was a remake of a French film based on a Patricia Highsmith novel. All of which should have warned me off. But it's Julia, dammit!

The plot is "Following a messy divorce from his vindictive wife Nickie, Robert Forrester (played by Paddy Considine) leaves New York and moves to a small Pennsylvania town, where he develops an obsession with the seemingly happy, 23-year old Jenny Thierolf (Julia Stiles). As a way of easing his own discontent with life, he begins spying on her through her kitchen window, and is surprised when she invites him into her life after spotting him one night. However, when her jealous ex-boyfriend becomes involved, a chain of events are set into motion that will spell death and destruction for all."

It starts off well, as you can never have too many scenes of a bloke hiding on the woods, watching Julia Stiles through her window, but once the dialogue and acting kicks in, it all goes to hell in a handbasket. To be fair to Ms Stiles, Mr Considine does seem to be the only somnabulist whose managed to parlay his illness into paid employment, but it's scant consolation.

It was only four quid, and I'd happily pay that for 90 minutes of Ms Stiles, but for those out there who're not paid up members of StilesStalkers Anon, then it's four quid too much. You can get it at Amazon.

Well, you can't take it with you

2011-03-24T13:48:00.004Z

Mr H celebrates receiving his pension

Well, you can't take it with you.

But with the Government's new pension plans, you won't even get it.

See, they're planning on linking the pension to the average life expectancy. Which is fair enough, unless you're Scotch. Because male Scots live, on average, for 10 years less than their English counterparts. Men in Chelsea live to be 87.7, whereas up here it's a decade less.

Average, those out, and you get a pensionable age of 82.7. Five years after they expect me to be dead. Now, I started work at 16. so by the time I'm dead (by their reckoning), I'll have paid 61 years of National Insurance. And for what. So some rich bastard in Chelsea can get his pension. Sweet.

I reckon it's about time we should be able to ask for our money back, so we can just stick it in the bank. I'd happily waive my rights to a state pension if I could have back the 30 years worth of National Insurance contributions I've handed over so far. A sum that is increasing by £127 per month. Which is 45 grand I've handed over, for absolutely fuck all, so far. By the time I'm dead, that will be up to £100,000 of sweet fanny adams. Cheers.

You are beautiful

2011-03-14T09:35:00.002Z

This is a real newsletter that was sent out.
______________________________

Today Pip Wilson, author, trainer and social and emotional practitioner, shares with us unique, and highly effective, methods of reaching people who are harder to reach on a social and emotional level. Anybody can use his advice so this really is an essential read.

Pip's Wisdom

I have just returned from leading a week-end in Nottingham University.
Not students
but residents from supported housing projects.
All older teens and early twenties.
All carrying wounds from childhood and beyond.

I am not a writer - I am a reflector.
I have to reflect to get it out of my system,
Deconstruct, and welcome it back into my soul as a learning experience.

I love these beautiful humans.
Love is the only word I can use.
Yet they wander around during sessions,
spend eye-time on their mobile devices
and escape to the toilet for just any reason.
I experience their beauty and pain and refuse neither.
Because I can see their behaviour but cannot see their experiences.

I make a plea for their attention.
Gain respect for my history, my music taste and the sharing of my vulnerability.

I could never write a book -
I can only write on the back of my experiences
and I work experientially.

The Objectives were made clear before the event
and declared again by me in simple terms.
'A caterpillar looks nothing like a butterfly but one develops from the other'.
That was the aim ? development of the human beings...
into humans becoming.

I spend hours on preparation.
Never follow a programme
always follow a process
but have multiple options to stay close to their needs
moment-by-moment.

All my books have been compiled from my reflections and studies.
All my games have been designed from pressure to grab attention
Break ice/defrost/develop a climate of trust.

'A first' for me this weekend:
A young human who could not be in the same room as a blown-up balloon!

A Blob Tree Tool I often use is the 'Blob Group Room' (*see image below)
It is non-threatening because the questions are about observation,
not self disclosure.
Powerful because these street-wise young humans
can read the primary language like the back of their hand even though they may not have the emotional literacy to match.

Once a group has developed a climate of trust,
even if the behaviour is disruptive and chirpy,
I can facilitate the process
to enable them to choose to take risks for their own development.

In triads they discuss which Blob human
would be of most concern to them.
The Blobs are neither male/female, young/old or black/white.
After some group feedback regarding
which Blob is the selected, and why,
we move on to a follow up question.

Most people can read facial and body language
on a still projected blob image.
The challenge, and emotional intelligence,
develops when they start to articulate on
why the Blob is depressed or angry etc..

It is great how everyone learns from small group feedback.
I get one person from each group to step up to the big screen
and stick a chunk of masking tape on the one they have chosen,
and tell us why.
This way they are lecturing the whole group
without them being aware of it!
All this builds confidence and self esteem.

A further question is asked regarding the blob they choose -
'Agree in your group how you would make contact with this (Blob) person'?
Stretch is my agenda because
'Growth does not reside in a place called comfortable'.
One step at a time - with lots of affirmation.

I then ask each group in turn to say how they would make contact - but not speak it. Without using the words, but role play.
Each triad conducts a 10 second role play to demonstrate what they would do -
and we all respond with whoops and applause.

Out of these come social and emotional awareness and skills.
And there are real emotions stirring in souls
as they play for those 10 seconds
and then
I encourage their feelings to be articulated = a development of emotional literacy.

There is laughter.
There is exchange of wisdom.
The facilitation is mine.
The trainer - is everyone!
I love it love it!

Conclusion and reflection
All the above can be used near the beginning of a session or,
depending on those present,
can be used mid-session
or nearer the end.

Objectives are always the foundation,
every activity is for that purpose alone.
Reflections are constant.
They need to develop and gain more tools for their life toolbox.

A cultural transposition task for you:
What is the single diamond you can take from the above
to transpose into your own context, life and/or work?

If I was alongside you now - I would ask you to touch one Blob on your screen
because by doing it
motion changes emotions and we can feel good about that.

Pip bhp
www.pipwilson.com

___________________________________

I think my I vomited my lungs up after reading, it's so beautiful

The Jennifer Aniston Where Did It All Go Wrong Straight To DVD Column

2011-03-07T11:43:00.003Z

The Jennifer Aniston Where Did It All Go Wrong Straight To DVD Column

Jennifer Anistons movie career seems to consist of dreadful films, only watched by wimmin folk, who seem to think that going "aw, what a shame, she's never found a man or had babies", is justification for handing over 3 quid in Tesco to watch her latest 2 year old flop. But it's not just Ms Aniston who keeps getting paid to be in rubbish pictures, based on having once been part of a popular TV show. Which is why this time, we're spending some time with Golden Raspberry award winner Sarah Jessica Parker, and the DVD of "Smart People".

It's not very good.

A 2008 "comedy-drama"* film it saw people who used to have careers - Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker and Thomas Haden Church, alongside one who might still manage a career if she doesn't appear in any more Sarah Jessica Parker films (Ellen Page). *[trans: it was meant to be funny but the jokes fell flat, so let's call it a comedy-drama].

Basically, Quaid is a middle-aged widower and college professor who seems to have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. He's bitter and arrogant, but somehow when he ends up in Sarah Jessica Parkers emergency room, Dr Sarah (an ex student of his) finds his boorish arrogance irresistible. Cue awkward dinner and even more awkward sex. While this is going on his equally arrogant daughter Vanessa is getting it on with her uncle, and his gay son (who is still having sex with wimmin), get on with being uninteresting and devoid of personality.

It all ends with everyone being a better person, and Professor Dennis and Dr Sarah having twins (cue wimmin letting out Aniston type sighs). It might have worked as a Sunday night drama (preferably on ITV so you can nip off for a cup of tea and a pee), but I'm not surprised that it was a Sundance movie, as it has middle class angst splattered all over it. Add this to the list of SJP films not to see alongside "The Family Stone", "Failure to Launch", "Spinning Into Butter" "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" and both "Sex and the City" films.

You won't be surprised to learn that it's £2.99 on Amazon.

A good day to be a tague

2011-03-03T09:30:00.003Z

Yesterday was a good day to be a tague.

Celtic beat Rangers in the cup replay, 3 Huns get sent off including the ever lovely El Hadji Ousseynou Diouf, Neil Lennon tries to batter Ally McCoist, a man who knows more than most about the location of the pies.

And then I switched the telly over to watch the World Cup Cricket highlights.

Just in time to see Ireland beat England. Yes, Ireland beat England at cricket. In the World Cup. What kind of madness is that? Naturally, being the family alcoholic, I can't celebrate in the number 1 traditional manner, so I will have to reconcile myself to the number 2 traditional manner, and crack open a box of this. Sweet!

Prayers of thanks will be said here , later on this week.

Let's talk Amnesty International

2011-02-23T10:44:00.004Z

Amnesty International - when you think of them, you think of all those poor souls shut away in dungeons, whose only hope is a letter from an upper middle class arts student living in Islington. It's a good thing, yes.

So, can Amnesty International explain why they are stripping their own employees of trade union representation? Surely, some mistake. But no.

Human rights organisation Amnesty International has told workers based outside the UK they will no longer have the right to remain members of the UK-based Unite union. As part of the same move, union members at the International Secretariat in London have been given three months to agree these new terms or face derecognition.

The move would affect Amnesty staff in Beirut, Dakar, Paris, Moscow, Geneva, Hong Kong, Kampala, and New York. Unite, which has represented Amnesty workers since 1973, has expressed their willingness to engage in discussions. However, they warned they cannot enter discussions while Amnesty’s management is holding a 'gun to the heads of its staff members' by threatening them with derecognition of their union. Unite Regional Officer, Alan Scott said: "The irony of a human rights organisation denying its own employees trade union recognition won’t be lost on governments hostile to the work of Amnesty."

So, basically, Amnesty International, an organisation that fights for workers rights, is stripping their own employees of those self same rights. Sweet.

This would be the same Amnesty International who paid its outgoing secretary general and deputy secretary general a total of about £850,000 in the year that both women resigned. The UK-based organisation, which is not a charity said it has taken measures to ensure it never makes similar payments again. Irene Khan, who served as secretary general until December 2009, received more than £530,000 – more than four times her previous salary – according to the most recent accounts of Amnesty International Ltd. Her deputy, Kate Gilmore, who also left in December 2009, received more than £320,000, the accounts show.

In a spirit of openness and honesty, Peter Pack, chair of Amnesty International's international executive committee, declined to comment on the nature of the agreements, but said in a statement: "Before committing to the agreement we signed with Ms Khan, we considered it very carefully and were convinced that it was in the best interest of Amnesty's work.

So that's all right then. But I'd think twice about where your direct debit is going.

The upholders of law and ordure

2011-02-14T14:38:00.002Z

The upholders of law and ordure

Lothian & Borders Police have been ordered to explain and apologise after failing to respond to repeated 999 calls for help from a desperate family under siege.

The family was trapped in their takeaway restaurant in Edinburgh for 90 minutes by an angry mob hurling racist abuse and armed with bottles, bats and bricks.

But although the family made ten emergency calls, officers from Lothian and Borders Police failed to come to their rescue and they were even told: "Don't call again."

The Police Complaints Commissioner for Scotland, Professor John McNeill has recommended Lothian and Borders Police explain what went wrong when officers failed to respond. Do you like that? "Recommended Lothian and Borders Police explain what went wrong". That'll teach them!

At the Hong Kong Express Takeaway in Sighthill, Edinburgh, owner Jing Guo was forced to lock himself, his wife and two workers inside his restaurant for an hour and a half, after a gang of 20 men targeted them because Mr Guo's delivery driver responded angrily to one of the group smashing the windscreen of his car. The gang were armed with baseball bats, snooker cues and golf clubs, and were outside throwing bottles, hurling racist abuse, screaming that they "wanted blood".

Mr Guo made ten 999 calls over a 90-minute period to the force and operators told Mr Guo that "someone was on their way", but nobody turned up. In the final call, he was told: "I am aware of your situation. Don't call again."

The Edinburgh case was brought to the commissioner by a member of the local community council, who was dissatisfied at the response by Lothian and Borders Police following a complaint by the restaurant owner.

So what exactly are we paying these useless bastards for? They don't like to deal with actual crimes, are never seen on the streets, and seem to be actively encouraging criminal activity with their sloth and inaction. At the very least the knuts who didn't want to come oot of their polis station should be fired. In my world they'd be looking at some serious jail time. But no, the Police Complaints Commissioner for Scotland, Professor John McNeill has recommended Lothian and Borders Police explain what went wrong when officers failed to respond.

For shame.

But I suppose, they have got to keep standards up, as in 2008, police forces across the country spent £3million on tea and biscuits. Top of the 'refreshment' league was Lothian and Borders Police, which spent £383,000. It meant that the Scottish force, which has about 2,600 officers, spent £147.31 per head. Well done, lads.

Meanwhile, the National Galleries of Scotland have come up with a spiffy new way of wasting public money. The NGS is consulting with the public on making the galleries bilingual at a potential cost of more than £1 million, despite a 4 per cent cut to its annual budget and, according to a gallery survey, no evidence of any demand for Gaelic.

They want to have bilingual signs in all five National Galleries institutions in Edinburgh, as well as Gaelic-awareness training for staff. For fudds sake! Over to Hugh Andrew, who runs Edinburgh publishers Birlinn. He said: "Edinburgh has never really been a Gaelic language speaking area, and Gaelic doesn't even have a modern grammar, yet we are engaged in this lunacy. What is being spent is probably equivalent to the entire budget that's spent on Scottish literature."

The NGS's own staff survey reported that no staffer had ever spoken Gaelic with a member of the public on the phone, only one instance of correspondence in Gaelic had ever been received, and only one staffer had had a visitor starting a conversation in Gaelic with them, and only because the staffer had a Gaelic name. The survey concluded: "There is no evidence for demand from members of the public for services and information to be provided in Gaelic."

The last census found 1.9 per cent of the Scottish population knew Gaelic. Here's the 2007 breakdown from Scottish schools;

English 664,497
Punjabi 4,682
Urdu 4,002
Polish 3,347
Cantonese 1,508
Arabic 1,277
French 740

And wait for it, here it comes!

Gaelic 638

Yup, there were more French speakers in oor schools than Gaelic speakers. Shite, shite and mair shite.

Let us eat cake

2011-02-11T10:02:00.003Z

Whits goat ma goat this week

The cooncil

Nae surprise there.then. But this is an extra special week, as it was time for the budget meeting which decided how many of the overpaid executives at the toon cooncil would get the boot. So, it was with great pleasure that I learned that the cooncil high heid yins had managed to find the money to keep themselves in their overpaid sinecures.

Course, something had to go, so they're cutting the bin collections to once a fortnight, something that will make it even more pleasurable to live here, seeing as how they're usually overflowing in aboot three days. They're also shutting half the public lavvies, which means there will be even more puke and piss on the streets than there is just now.

Here's my favourite bit from yer actual cooncil budget motion. Enjoy!

"Council welcomes that this Administration is committed to creating a cleaner, greener, safer city with community safety and good environmental practice core to all policies. Having achieved the best scores for street cleanliness by independent assessors in the past year, Council notes its intention to build on that progress whilst providing the most efficient service."

By no emptying the bins and shutting the lavvies. Perhaps we should apply this sort of thinking to all areas of the cooncil. Improve education by shutting schools. Care for the elderly by taking away support. The list is endless. Better that than look at the fact that "employee costs represent 43% of Council expenditure". Heaven forfend.

Here's a breakdown of the back office savings from the cooncils own proposals;

£000
CHILDREN AND FAMILIES 3,882
CITY DEVELOPMENT 655
CORPORATE SERVICES 0
FINANCE 456
HEALTH & SOCIAL CARE 432
SERVICES FOR COMMUNITIES 2,400
TOTAL 4,561

Which one says 0? Oh, yes, that one.

It seems slightly odd given that the cooncil spending for next year is still over £1 billion pounds, that they cannae empty the bins and keep the lavvies open, but it's just the price we have top pay to make sure that these poor (yet very rich) cooncil executives keep their jobs. We suffer so they don't have to. Let us eat cake.

An architectural delight

2011-02-02T11:56:00.006Z

Right everybody, the Waverley steps will be closing on February 10th, for an entire year, so they can be "improved".

And by improved I mean ripped up and replaced with escalators. Because the thirty seconds or so it took to run doon them was such a massive inconvenience. According to the architects who'll be skimming off their share of £7 million pounds, they "need to facilitate increased accessibility". Despite the fact that the main entrance is completely accessible.

So everyone who leaps off a bus at the NB, then careers headlong doon the stairs to catch their trains can forget about it. Here's what they currently look like;

Back again to the architects;

"Not only is the area a World Heritage Site and Conservation Area, but our client does not own the adjoining hotel or the shopping mall, so sensitivity to our neighbours and the surroundings is key!

We also have to carefully balance the history and the historic appeal of the station's architecture with contemporary needs and modern design. The result is a structure with presence and appeal, but a ‘light-touch', not competing with the grand sandstone buildings that surround it. Fully glazed, it won't interrupt the surrounds - it will blend in, but will be striking in its own right too."

So it's going to be a glass fronted monstrosity, then? Yup.

And, of course, it's just too much to expect 21st century people to walk for 30 seconds doon the steps in the open air, so it definitely needs a roof.

[trans: can we factor in a few million more for a completely unnecessary glass roof, in a city where a million pigeons a day crap all over the place]

Answer; Yup

Just to recap. A years work to replace a set of steps with an escalator and a glass roof, that isn't needed in any way shape or form, as the station is 100% accessible already, in exchange for £7 million pounds.

Recession! What recession?

PS - let's hope they build them in the right place, as this news release, seems to think they're replacing the steps in Fleshmarket Close.

Whit's goat ma goat again

2011-02-01T14:30:00.002Z

'Telepathy' of child used as evidence in abuse case

When I saw that oan a newspaper poster, I honestly that I was hallucinating. I actually had to get a copy of the paper to make sure I wisnae having flashbacks. But turns oot it's true.

Turns oot that an official report into the future of a child's welfare used evidence based on telepathy, in a move criticised by a sheriff as "dangerous". A psychotherapist told a court an eight-year-old boy mentally communicated feelings of fear through his bad behaviour, leading her to believe he had been abused. The evidence was put forward by a children's reporter to support separating a baby girl from her parents.

Now I think that social workers have a helluva job and I wouldnae do it for the world, but really. That's just asking for a kicking.

BO

New rule. You're no allowed on the bus if you smell THAT bad. For God's sake people. I shouldnae have tae wear breathing apparatus just to get oan the No 2 bus. Although if you are going to stink like shite, then the No 2 is probably the logical place.

Getting It Wrong For Every Child

You've probably no heard of this. Well you mebbe have if you're English, where it's called Every Child Matters. But the diddy Scotch Government following Wee Fat Ecks maxim of "never use 3 words when 6 will do", rebranded it for Scotchland, to try and make it seem new and original.

The idea is to create job opportunities for civil servants and cooncil employees who don't have proper jobs to do, through the medium of working parties, seminars and consulation papers, all of which is supposed to make life better for the kiddywinks. That's all of them, not just the ones who're perfectly alright.

So the government has squirted millions of pounds at it, publishing documents, putting up websites and having lots and lots of meetings that only the aforementioned civil servants and cooncil employees attend. Shame then, that the one thing they forgot to fund when they were ejaculating pound notes was someone to answer the phone.

See, the GIFREC team doon at Victoria Quay are all so busy doing important kiddywink things that you're not actually allowed to talk to them. So when I had a legitimate query aboot how cooncils go about stopping kiddydiddling, I looked up the GIFREC website. Their was an anonymous email address, a postal address and a telephone number. Now I needed to know fairly quickly, so I phoned their answering machine, and left a pertinent query. Let's see how GIFREC attended to this.

Day 1 - no reply
Day 2 - no reply
Day 3 - no reply
Day 4 - no reply
Day 5 - no reply
Day 6 - no reply
Day 7 - no reply
Day 8 - no reply
Day 9 - no reply
Day 10 - no reply

At least they're consistent, even if their dereliction of duty may have led to increased amount of diddling. The shower o'shites. A scandal and a disgrace.

I'd smash it

2011-01-28T11:46:00.003Z

With Andy Gray and Richard Keys in need of new television projects, I have taken the liberty of sending a few programme ideas off to their agents.

Smash It & Nicey
Two blokes from them there seventies sit in a studio and gently exchange whimsical banter about the fair sex, and the many things the ladies are better at. e.g. the cooking, the cleaning and, um, well, that’s it really.

Smash n’ Grab
Two blokes from them there seventies re-enact famous Gypsy “grabbing ” scenes from Channel 4s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

Smash TV
Remake of the nineties arcade game, with two blokes from them there seventies running around shooting their critics in the head to cries of “I’d buy that for a dollar!”

S.M.A.S.H.
In which two blokes from them there seventies hang around a hospital emergency room, discussing which nurses and patients they would smash it to.

Bangers And Smash
In which two chimpanzees from them there seventies run around making a mess and smashing things up to a soundtrack of Chas ‘n Daves greatest hits.

Smash Hits TV
In which two blokes from them there seventies look at a lineup of young ladies, and by judicious use of their paddles, determine which ones they would "Smash It To".*

*The theme tune to Smash Hits TV, "Smash It To" by Dennis Waterman is available from all branches of Woolworths and Lillywhites on 7" vinyl

Teak, tat and the sixties

2011-01-17T11:11:00.004Z

Teak. A word that even today strikes terror into the hearts of those of us who are a certain age. Because it was everywhere when I was growing up.

You see, back in the old days, poor folk couldnae afford real furniture. There was no such thing as a credit card, so if you wanted furniture, then it was off tae the store for some tick. For the benefit of non Scotch folk, I should point oot that "the store" was what everyone called the local cop-op. In oor case, the St Cuthberts Co-Operative Society in Bread Street.

Thing is, everyone went there, so every working class hosoe had the same basic set up of teak sideboards and melamine topped tables. For sure, you get the melamine in different colours, so oor drop leaf table was a natty shade of turquoise. Which may be why it spent more time in the walk in cupboard than it did in the living room. But basically, every hoose looked pretty much the same.

And thing is, most of it was also tat. That's why they sold it tae poor people. So how horrified was I to find a shop, no that far away from me, that is now selling this keech to people to young to remember it for hunnerds of pounds! Do these people no have eyes?

It's dreadful stuff. I mean this monstrosity was selling for nigh on £150! I'm pretty sure the one had was very similar, and as with all sideboards was the place you looked for stuff that you didnae need. Lost that nutcracker Auntie Eva gave us 3 Christmases ago? Look in the sideboard.

Seems that folks have forgotten that the sixties round our way was more like 1949 than the period of free love. That only happened in one street in London. But seems that bad taste never goes out of style amongst the chattering classes. Or a bizarre desire to look like poor people fae the sixties For shame.

Major Retailer Coming Soon

2011-01-13T09:49:00.004Z

Major Retailer Coming Soon!

That's the phrase that has had all the chattering classes doon Leith way all excited for the last few months. It's been up on the hoarding ootside the front entrance of the old Woolies shop at the Kirkgate.

After all, the back half of the shop got turned into a Poundland, so how could that be bettered. The luvvies doon in the new flats were thinking Waitrose or Ikea. Finally, they would be able to leave their marble clad lift area and venture into the wilds of Great Junction Street.

And finally it's been unveiled! Yes! The Major Retailer! In Leith! Marks & Spencers? Baby Gap? Miss Selfridge? Well, this is what will be opening up soon.

Oh, yes.

A British Heart Foundation furniture shop. Barnardos in Leith Walk will be quaking in their boots. So we can add that to Poundstretcher AND Poundland, Lidl, Farmfoods and that place where you can pay for your telly weekly, with no credit checks and no need to have an actual job. George Street beware! We're efter ye!

Films what I've watched recently

2011-01-12T11:17:00.004Z

As the telly has been particularly rubbish recently, with even my beloved Emmerdale going through a seriously dull patch, it was off to the pictures for some evening entertainment.

And by pictures, I mean sitting up to the wee small hours watching films on the telly. I mean yer actual pictures is full of annoying shites eating loudly, smelling and laughing at bits of a fillum that aren't actually funny.

First up was "Under The Mud". Which turned out to be a Scouse Shameless. The film is set in Speke and Garston in Liverpool, an area with high unemployment and with one of the worst teenage pregnancy rates in Europe. So the Leither in me felt right at home. It depicts a hectic day in the life of a family from hell who, naturally, turn out to be yer actual diamonds in the rough.

However, fair play, the fillum screenwriting project with a group of young people from Liverpool, started when Hurricane Films (based in the city) approached a youth-led community centre in the Speke Garston area, Interchill. Young people from Interchill and many from elsewhere became involved with the project, originating the idea and characters for the film. And it ended up a lot better than some of the big budget keech polluting the screen. You can buy the DVD here.

Then it was time to watch Part 72 of the Jennifer Aniston Greek tragedy that is her bog screen career. I mean, really! What happened? She does have a remarkable knack for picking right rubbish fillums. This one was "Management", a 2009 romantic comedy-drama Jennifer Aniston and career suicide co-star Steve Zahn. It premiered at the 2008 Toronto International Film Festival and (big clue) received a limited theatrical release on May 15, 2009.

It wisnae really much cop. It's the story of a chance meeting between Mike Cranshaw (Steve Zahn) and Sue Claussen (Jennifer Aniston). When Sue checks into the roadside motel owned by Mike's parents in Arizona, what starts with a complimentary bottle of wine turns into a multi-layered, cross-country journey of two people looking for a sense of purpose. Shame then, that Zahns character has no redeeming features whatsoever. Although given the ease which which Aniston gives into him, it's a fillum that could send out the wrong message to sad stalkers everywhere. Although, fair play, if Aniston didn't use a butt double, then hers is in good shape. Add in a 'hilarious' (read: truly awful) cameo from Woody out of Cheers, and not even a fairly touching last 30 minutes can save another Aniston failure. £2.99 at Amazon to you, guv.

Lastly. there was another outing for "The Big Man". Or "Crossing The Line" as the colonials insist on calling it. It starred Liam Neeson and Joanne Whalley in an adaption of the book by William McIlvanney. It's always a battle trying to decide whose Scotch accent is the worst, and the only thing that saves Neeson and Whalley from utter derision, is the hilarious cameo from Hugh Grant, one that explains why he stuck to toff accents from that point on.

I'm a bit of a fan as it's an opportunity to see the always lovely Julie Graham going topless, and the late Ian Bannen in scene stealing form. In case you don't know it's about a Scotch miner who goes to jail during the miners strike. he can't find work after being released, so desperate for money, he accepts an offer made by a Glasgow gangster to fight in an illegal bare-knuckling boxing match. Billy Connollys perm plays a leading role. You can get that from Amazon as well.

Surrealism my arse

2011-01-08T16:39:00.005Z

I've just been to see a comprehensive survey of surrealist art, bringing together masterpieces by Salvador Dalí, René Magritte, Pablo Picasso, Alberto Giacometti and Joan Miró.

I know know what compressed shite looks like.

"Another World, the centrepiece of the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art's 50th anniversary celebrations offered a fascinating overview of one of the most important art movements of the twentieth century. The exhibition will include major loans from public and private collections and will offer visitors the chance to see the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art's world-famous collection of surrealist art in its entirety for the first time." trans: utter keech

To add insult to injury, neither of the cafe staff spoke English, so a request for 2 cups of tea and two buttered cheese scones to take away was met with total incomprehension. Perhaps if I'd smeared the menu with my own excrement and set fire to it, they may have got the gist. Gits.

On the plus side, across the road from the Dean Gallery, I got to see a giant size table and chairs, and now know what it must be like to be a Lilliputian. I feel their pain.

It's the Season Of The Witch

2011-01-07T17:51:00.002Z

But is she? Aha! You'll have to go see for yourself. And you should because Season Of The Witch is A Proper Film.

It has crusaders, battle scenes, blood, gore and the Black Death! With added Hellboy and Lady Persephone from Upstairs Downstairs. OK, it also has Nicolas Cage, but he's got one of his bad wigs on, and if you squint you can pretend it's someone else.

It's also A Proper Film cos neither Cage nor Hellboy bother trying to do accents, other than their own, there's loads of mixed up religious symbolism, plenty of things being set fire to and Christopher Lee turns up in a cameo role. There's even an overly brief glimpse of Lady Persephones bum.

As a B-movie, it's a top notch start to the pictures in 2011, but don't expect a sequel.

14 going on 45

2011-01-04T11:52:00.003Z

For some reason I ended up watching "13 Going On 30" last night on whatever high number digital channel it appeared on. It's an amiable enough bit of fluff with Jennifer Garner time travelling into the future, only to realise that she's turned into an absolute bi-atch. Naturally, she heads back to age 13 to put things right. Cue happy ending.

Naturally, this made me wonder whether returning to age 14, to rectify my mistakes would make me a better person today. So I tried to narrow my teenage mistakes down to a manageable number (lucky old Jennifer just made the one). This in itself was no easy task, but I got down to about a dozen or so.

But then it hit me! I was a miserable son of a bitch back then, as well. The more I thought about my teens, the more I realised that I didn't like them either. For a brief moment I thought it might be my fault, but thankfully, my ego got in the way, and I managed to deflect the blame onto every single person I have met ever.

Tracking back even further, I reckon the last time I wasn't a miserable SOB would have been when I was at primary school. And I really can't be arsed going that far back. My defining moment was probably aged 10 when I turned doon the chance to go to a good school in favour of stating with my friends. Who all turned oot to be a bunch of conniving, back stabbing shites, none of whom I have seen or spoken to in 30 years.

Looks like I'll just need to carry on with the same bilious existence I've had for the last 30 years. Bastards.

So it's 2011, eh?

2011-01-01T16:22:00.002Z

So it's 2011, eh?

As good a time as any to resurrect A Scandal & A Disgrace. But if you've been following me from home to home, don't worry. The angry.me.uk domain will be pointing here in a couple of days, if I remember.

Anyway, what will 2011 hold? Well, 2010 was the fourth really shit year in a row, so I can't claim to have great hopes for it. I'm beginning to wonder whether it might be me, rather than you, but then I look in the mirror and think surely not?

So, for the time being I'll continue to blame everyone and everything apart from me. Some dirty swine sent me a book at Christmas called "Stop Worrying - get your life back on track with CBT". But I'm not sure how I can get everyone else to read it, so they can start being nicer to me.

Christmas itself was quite good, as unlike last year, we didn't have to listen to the neighbours smoke alarm for four days before the cooncil turned up to kick the door in. Thankfully, the respite was brief, as the Polish kvunts on the second floor decided to have a party that lasted from 9pm on Hogmanay until 6am on New Years Day. Even better, they decided to spread the joy by spilling oot into the stair, something I'm sure the 80 year old woman who lives next door to them really appreciated. The pig ignorant Polish kvunts. I wish them nothing but ill luck for the next 12 months.

Fingers crossed for a quiet night tonight, but they have the look of hardened drinkers aboot them.

Hopes for the year?

1) Not getting a painful, fatal disease
2) No one I like getting a painful, fatal disease
3) Um, that's aboot it.

Not too much to ask for, but if life has taught me anything, it's that there is always another pile o'shite just around the corner.

Happy New Year.

Not known at this address

2010-03-25T09:25:00.001Z

Oh yeah, we've moved here. Sorry about that.

Whit's goat ma goat

2010-03-16T12:59:00.002Z

You won't be surprised to learn that the Tram is back on ma list again. Not only is it going to be about 4 years late, but it's going to come in aboot £100 million pounds over budget.

Whit is it aboot this pile o'shite country that makes it incapable of delivering a public contract on time and on budget? Well, I'll tell ye. It's the huge stinking pile of retards that are put in charge of them. And when they balls it up, whit happens? Large bonuses all round and a nice cushy wee sinecure. Take a look at the list of people involved in the Holyrood project and see how many of them paid for the enhanced retardation.

The latest cooncil wheeze to try and fool the public into thinking they have a clue is to claim that the tram consortium faces £1m a month fines for late work. But only after June 2012. Two years late.

However, the consortium building the late running No 22 have said, with refreshing candour that the cooncil owned TIE did not have "a hope in hell" of imposing the fines, because other delays had impeded the work.

Over in the world of good news, Tom Aitchison, the chief executive of Embra Toon Cooncil has recommended his own early retirement following a review of senior management positions. Which is nice of him, even if it does involve a very, very large broon envelope.

Aitchison has been in the post for 16 years, and has overseen the transformation of Embra from a half decent toon to a blighted hell hole. He is set to retire towards the end of this year, shortly before his 60th birthday, which will mean he will be eligible for a one-off "pension contribution" of £12,000. Nice. Mr Aitchison was paid £158,553 this year. Which is aboot £158,552.50p too much.

The evil empire of the Forth Ports Authority are still planning on building a 300 foot high, £360 million biomass station in Leith Docks. Strangely, this is going to happen on a site that, wait for it, the cooncil designated for housing and green space. However, it's OK, because this will be an environmentally friendly power station. The hippie alert can be lowered.

The power station will comprise a boiler house, flue, steam turbine building and biomass storage area and be less than 400 metres away from existing homes. Which seems really green. Even greener, most of the fuel is expected to come from woodchip, with thousands of tonnes expected to be shipped into Leith from as far afield as the United States. On boats. Across the ocean. Which sounds very, very ungreen.

Not to mention the increase in articulated lorries thundering through the streets (although if the Tram folk get their way, their won't be any roads open to traffic), and the delightful pollution emanating from the stack. I can only assume that there are large Eurocrook subsidies for this kind of arrant nonsense.

Finally, there is some excellent Pope related news.

Pope Benedict XVI will fly into Edinburgh to begin the first ever papal state visit to Great Britain. It is unclear whether he will be using a plane or not, but he will be met by the Prime Minister (whoever that is) and a member of the Royal Family, when he arrives in the Capital on 16 September for the four-day visit.

Oddly, Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy, who has been in charge of organising the visit on behalf of the government, is also expected to be among the welcoming group at the airport. I assume this will be in a personal capacity, as his ass will be oot the Scotch Office door long before then.

The pontiff will then leap into his waiting Popemobile (new version pictured above) and head to the Palace of Holyroodhouse for a meeting with the Queen and dignitaries. First Meenister Wee Fat Eck wants to go, but the Pope has insisted on only meeting important people.

From there, he is expected to travel by helicopter to Bellahouston Park in Glasgow to celebrate Mass before an all-ticket crowd, as his predecessor John Paul II did in 1982.

Pro celebrity self harm

2010-03-15T11:19:00.000Z

Apparently, a dramatic growth in the number of young people cutting themselves deliberately with sharp objects is being linked to video footage on internet sites such as YouTube.

Charidee campaigners are worried that t'internet out of control, fuelling young people into anti-social behaviour and causing them to slash themselves with increasingly sharp objects.

Well, all I can say is more power to their razors. There are far too many young people out there, wandering around being noisy, dressing badly and talking TOO LOUDLY into mobile phones. That's when they're not busy having unprotected sex, spreading STD's and drinking cheap cider. So an increase in the number of them locking themselves in their bedrooms with a copy of Twilight and some Wilkinson Sword can only be a good thing for me.

In fact, we should try and increase this number, perhaps through the medium of celebrity slashing. I'd pay good money to see all these retarded Z-listers locked up in a Big Brother style house, with only a video diary room and a set of kitchen knives. You could have Jordan and Kerry Katona trying to win their implants back in a slash-off. Peter Andre could try and win a personality after a close encounter with a circular saw, and Victoria Beckham could try and swallow an angle grinder.

Members of the public would be brought in as potential BFFs to assist their chosen celebrity, demonstrating ever more inventive ways of proving what a bunch of mental defectives they really are. The last survivor wins a week on Celebrity Slash Island, where they beat themselves unconscious with coconuts, before Darren Day has his wicked way with them. Cue a Living TV special entitled "My Bastarding Bastard Was Fathered By A Bastarding Bastard".

It's all good.

I should be outraged....

2010-03-10T09:47:00.001Z

I should be outraged....

But for some reason I'm highly entertained.

With much hoo-hah and fanfare, the new branding for the Glasweegie Commonwealth Games was unveiled on Monday.

It cost the organisers (that's you and me, by the way) £95,000, and is said to "represent the unique aspects of the historic event."

Shame then that the Glasgow-based design firm Marque created an almost identical logo for the city's arts group The Common Guild in 2007 and basically seem to have coloured in the old black and white version.

I am impressed at the way in which they've managed to stay inside the lines with their coloured pencils, but I'm reasonably sure that a fairly adept nine year old could have managed something similar. Hell, for half the price I would have done it myself.

Now, you can get a set of coloured pencils out of Poundland for, um, a pound. It costs about 4p to print off the old logo. Say half an hour to colour it in, 5 minutes to scan it back into the computer. Round up the labour to an hour. Let's assume that they're thieving overpaid consultants, so will charge about £100 an hour. Add on the VAT.

So that's;

Labour £100.00
Material £1.00
Copying £0.04
______________
Total £101.04
VAT £17.68
______________
______________
Grand total £118.72
______________

So that leaves £94881.28. unaccounted for. I assume the refund is in the post, so take off another 40p for postage and an envelope, and that's £94880.88 coming back into the Glasweegie Commonwealth Games fund.

It is coming back, isn't it?

A den of thieves

2010-03-09T14:09:00.000Z

It's been a good week for public employees what with MPs getting a pay rise, despite their shameful performances of late, while the lesser paid public employees go on strike for a wage rise, and those of us in the voluntary sector look forward to another pay freeze and a rise in National Insurance.

But this hasn't stopped the diddy Scotch Government from paying £20,000 to hypnotist Paul McKenna to give a pep talk to jobless youngsters.

It should be a good pep talk, as he's managed to get 20 grand for it, so he's a good example to workshy youngsters looking to get money for nowt. Wee Fat Eck claimed that tens of thousands of Scots were benefiting from action by the SNP Government. He declined to put names to numbers on the grounds of national stupidity.

Meanwhile over at Embra Toon Cooncil, the cooncil leader, Jenny 'George' Dawe has ordered a rethink on the council's decision to pay for around a dozen staff to go on a jolly to one of Scotland's top hotels. Apparently, while the cooncil are shutting doon community centres and looking to sack about 600 staff, they decided it would be a good idea to spend £2,000 sending some senior members of staff to an awards ceremony in St Andrews, booking them into the five-star Old Course Hotel.

The council has been shortlisted for three prizes at the Convention of Scottish Local Authorities (Cosla) awards, which are being held elsewhere in the town. Note, not in the five-star Old Course Hotel. Elsewhere. Probably near a B&B.

Even more amusingly, the scandal hit health and social care and children and families departments were among those attending. That will come as good news to carers and their families who've been denied Direct Payments thanks to the illegal tendering the cooncil tried to foist on them.

Over in Glasweegie, it's been fun, fun, fun all the way as the Steven Purcell scandal goes from strength to strength, in the wake of his departure as leader of Glasgow Toon Cooncil due to [sniff] "stress and exhaustion".

It was particularly nice to see that the police force took the time and effort to have a private, off the record meeting with him to address some of his lifestyle issues. I take it that this courtesy will now be extended to every other jakey and smackhead within the remit of Strathclyde Polis Force.

Mind you, I'm surprised the polis have any time for off the record, private meetings, what with all the expenses claims they put in. Because the Lothian & Borders Polis must do nothing else.

After all, there's Chief Constable David Strang claiming £38.50 for dining with colleagues at Browns in George Street, while "Detective Inspector 1" submitted three bills for visits to McDonald's in as many months.

All told, between September and November last year, the polis spent more than £11,000 in three months. Credit cards were given to 18 officers to pay for expenses while conducting investigations, or attending conferences or training.

The polis said the bills were all "scrutinised by supervisors" to ensure that payments related to legitimate claims. Odd, really, because if I go out for lunch with a colleague, then we pay for the meal ourselves? Because in the real world people buy their own dinners, they dinnae get the taxpayer to fork out for them.

Mind you, this is the same Lothian & Borders Polis that spent more than £700,000 on flights and hotels. Because they cover such a wide area, that travelling from Embra to Hawick involves flights and hotels. Nipping oot to Polbeth always necessitates an overnight stay. And how else would you get from St Leonards to Torphichen Street stations without chartering a plane?

I was particulary taken with the unnamed officer who spent £33.98 at Interflora. That one was particularly well "scrutinised by supervisors". The thieving gits.

We're all going to die!

2010-03-05T10:58:00.002Z

We're all going to die!

Two of the things I hate most are hippies and so-called scientists. But something I hate even more are hippies masquerading as so-called scientists. And when they talk utter gibberish, as they do about climate change, I automatically reach for my shooting iron. Add in the words Al and Gore, and I'm buying extra bullets.

Did you know that the United Nations’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) only predicts a sea level rise of 59cm (17 inches) by 2100, yet Al Gore in his "An Inconvenient Truth" liefest talked of 20 feet rises, showing computer graphics of cities such as Shanghai and San Francisco under water.

The Swedish geologist and physicist Nils-Axel Mörner, formerly chairman of the INQUA International Commission on Sea Level Change has, for 35 years, been using every known scientific method to study sea levels all over the globe.

Despite fluctuations down as well as up, he says the sea is not rising. "It hasn’t risen in 50 years", says he. If there is any rise this century it will "not be more than 10cm (that's four inches in proper language), with an uncertainty of plus or minus 10cm". Which equals approximately zero.

That’ll be science, then.

Until 2003, the IPCC satellite-based evidence showed no upward trend in sea levels. But then the graph tilted upwards because the IPCC’s so-called experts had used the finding of a single tide-gauge in Hong Kong harbour showing a 2.3mm rise. The entire global sea-level projection was then adjusted upwards by a "corrective factor" of 2.3mm, because, as the IPCC scientists admitted, they "needed to show a trend".

That’ll be science, then. Or lies, to those of without a degree.

For more information, do a search for Dr Mörner on YouTube (type Mörner, Maldives and YouTube into Google ), or read his 2007 EIR interview "Claim that sea level is rising is a total fraud"; or email him – morner@pog.nu – to buy a copy of his booklet "The Greatest Lie Ever Told".

Open Season

2010-03-01T11:39:00.001Z

Open Season

Good news for the much put upon citizens of Embra. Today is March 1st, which means for the next 28 days, it's open season on TiE executives.

This is particularly well timed as the latest lot of idiotic traffic diversions meant that the usual 30 minute trip to work took a whole hour today. It's almost as if the traffic "planners" had went on an upside down training course before implementing their gibbering eejit plans.

I've often wondered where the cooncil had managed to dig up an even bigger bunch of imbeciles than usual, and can only assume they made extensive enquiries at the few remaining Retard Homes for Mentalist Mental Cases, before carefully selecting the most genetically inbred ones to run the tram (singular) project.

Now, however, it's our chance to exact revenge, as you are now legally allowed to hunt 'em, shoot 'em, skin 'em and grill 'em for the next 4 weeks. Business owners in Shandwick Place have been given priority hunting permits, so please form an orderly queue outside TiE ltd, City Point, 65 Haymarket Terrace, Edinburgh EH12 5HD, and remember. Don't load your guns till you see the whites of their eyes.

If you haven't seen one in the flesh, this is what they look like.

Days Of Yore

2010-02-26T13:09:00.001Z

Days Of Yore

I found myself up near Easer Road Stadium today mulling over the soon-come demolition of the East Stand (or East Terracing) when I was a boy, when I noticed that even more houses had been flung up since the last time I was there.

It got me to thinking about how we used to do our cheap pre-match boozing in the St Andrews Steel Works Bowling Club, before clambering through the waste ground to get to our entrance on to the terracing.

In those days the steel works were still a memory, but in amongst the pensioners there was an unfortunate surfeit of the local Labour party mafia, who used to plan their evil machinations, supping on discounted pints.

Despite all the demolition and new builds, the bowling club survived, but SCRAN has thrown up a nifty picture of a team from days gone by, when menfolk knew how to dress for a team photograph.

© The Scotsman Publications Ltd. Licensor www.scran.ac.uk.

The bowling club was originally a social offshoot of the Redpath Brown (St Andrews) Steelworks in Albion Road, a towering testament to the industry we once had. Again, SCRAN has come up trumps.

© The Scotsman Publications Ltd. Licensor www.scran.ac.uk.

The steelworks lasted until 1969 before their parent company Dorman Long (part of the nationalised British Steel) consigned it to the netherworld of destroyed industries, but also managed to leave behind a local football team in the shape of Redpath Albion, who celebrated their fiftieth anniversary a couple of years back.

They're still playing away at Pilrig Park in the Lothian & Edinburgh Amateur Football Association Lothian East league, although not having the best of seasons, sitting 3rd from bottom with only 3 wins from 11 games. Praise be for the even more rubbish Edinburgh Rose and Musselburgh Utd.

Here's their cup winning squad from 1959.

They're in cup action this weekend, in the Logan Cup 4th Round with a home tie against Haddington Athletic at Pilrig Park. The match kicks off at 2pm, so why not revisit some Embra industrial history and pop along. You'll find it at the foot of Balfour Street - map here.

More fabulousness than you could ever imagine

2010-02-18T14:16:00.001Z

More fabulousness than you could ever imagine

We love Celine Dion round our way. The tears, the tragedy, the triumphs.

And just when I thought things couldn't get more fabulous, they do.

Because, just yesterday, "Celine: Through the Eyes of the World" arrived in UK cinemas. This special motion picture event gives Dion fans another chance to experience the magical event, this time from a vantage point unparalleled by any ticket.

Join Celine as she travels to five continents and 25 countries, putting on show-stopping performances of some of her biggest hits. However, this world tour is different as Celine is traveling with her husband, her 8-year-old son, her mother, and her extended family. Intercutting concert performances with behind the scenes footage, audiences will get the chance to really know Celine, her family, and her co-performers as well as those fans that she meets and performs for around the world. Inspirational, moving, honest and surprisingly funny, Celine: Through the Eyes of the World captures Dions deft balance between the demands of an elaborate and extensive year-long worldwide tour and Dions top priority caring for and enjoying time with her family.

It's all too much...I'm tearing up...here's the trailer...

Whit's stuck in ma craw the day

2010-02-17T12:58:00.000Z

Whit's stuck in ma craw the day

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Two new fire engines, costing £1 million have been stuck in the garage for two years after being ruled "too heavy" for crews to drive. The appliances have yet to fight a single blaze, after they were initially plagued by a series of technical faults. But once repaired, Lothian & Borders Fire Brigade decided they were too heavy for the fire service's drivers to use. (eh?)

Now, they've to retrain all the brigade's drivers before they'll be allowed on the road.

Complaints about the appliances in other parts of the country have led to an inquiry being launched into the decision to buy them in Humberside. And safety questions were also raised after one toppled over at a mini-roundabout in Strathclyde while travelling at only 15mph.

Roddy Robertson, a Scottish member of the Fire Brigade Union's executive council, said: "Our view of this vehicle is they are not fit for purpose. They are designed to save money and cut jobs, not to improve the safety for firefighters."

A Lothian and Borders Fire and Rescue Service spokeswoman said: "We're currently going through the process of putting the appliance through final checks and have come across an issue with its fully laden weight. We're working to resolve this issue."

You'd think someone would have read the brochure all the way through.

________________________

Shut, shut, shut

Meanwhile, in order to save £120,000 (which is about a quarter of a fire engine that disnae work), the cooncil are shutting doon six community centres.

Sighthill, Longstone and Colinton Mains will all lose their local community centres from April along with Gorgie Memorial Hall, the Platform Adult Learning Centre in Wester Hailes and numeracy tuition centre The Number Shop, on the Pleasance.

Councillor Jason Rust, who represents the ward that includes Colinton Mains Community Centre, said: "It is a much valued local facility. This has come as a bolt from the blue and will be strongly resisted by local people."

Like they count for anything. Especially, not now with The Number Shop shutting.

______________________________

Whit's goat ma goat this week

2010-02-15T14:12:00.001Z

Whit's goat ma goat this week

__________________________

Quango, Quango, Quango

Did you know that in Scotland there are 115 quangos? Or to give them their Sunday names, quasi- autonomous non-governmental organisations.

Even better, 43% of the Scottish Governments money is spent by them. Yet they are unaccountable to the electorate. During 2008/2009 they got through £13 billion of your money. Which is quite impressive. Even better is the fact that since devolution, the number of people emplyed by said quangos has gone up by 50%. Nice, pensionable work, if you cna get it.

And if you get yourself a nice wee cushy number at the head of a quango, you'll pull in considerably more than the First Meenister. And he's got a whole country to tun. Unlike Scottish Enterprise chief executive Lena Wilson, who was appointed last year on an annual salary of £200,000.

Quite how Scottish Enterprise manged to get through £287m and Skills Development £196m, when the country is full of the unemployed, eejits and unemployable eejits is particularly impressive.

________________________

Tram, tram, tram

A Cooncil committee set up to scrutinise Edinburgh's tram project met just twice in the last year – and one of the meetings was abandoned when only one person turned up. And despite the fact that folk in Embra talk aboot nowt else, only five official questions have been tabled about trams since January 2008 at full council meetings.

The tram group is supposed to monitor spending, the level of financial contributions received from developers and the level of risk to the council, as well as oversee the dispute resolution process and approve changes in the design of vehicles and infrastructure.

Mebbe if they'd got off their fat arses more often, we wouldn't have found out today that the final bill for the transport interchange at Gogar has doubled to £40 million.

______________________________

Q'iman a ma hoose

Many (many) years ago I lived in Temple Park Crescent and remember when Mrs Thomsons grocers was turned into an Islamic school. The first thing they did was board up the windows and lock the doors. Something that has continued ever since.

But, apparently, the planned expansion of the Islamic centre 'can help remove barriers'. Strange! In all the years I lived across the road, not once did anyone from the centre involve themselves with anything at all in the local community.

However, the Idara Taleem-Ul Qur'an Trust say their ultimate aim is to turn the spacious corner unit into an Islamic exhibition centre to "engage with the non-Muslim local community and help to remove barriers".

We'll see. Or maybe not, if they keep on blacking oot the windaes.

Just go ya daft bint

2010-02-11T09:39:00.001Z

Just go ya daft bint

Nowadays, all politicians are stupid. The rigorous Ein Volk selection processes ensure that no-one with an original thought in their head makes it through anymore.

Instead, we rely on our politicians to be devious, sly backstabbers. However, sometimes their inherent stupidity rises to the surface. And so it has proved with Nicola 'Fishface' Sturgeon (pictured above, and yes, I've just been a little bit sick in my mouth).

This is a woman who is the Deputy First Minister of Scotland, Cabinet Secretary for Health and Wellbeing and Deputy Leader of the Scottish National Party. Before coming to power, she was also the SNP's spokeswoman on justice, and later on education and health. Even worse, she is a qualified lawyer. Which certainly helps the devious and sly aspects of her position.

But you'd think she would know better than to put in writing a character reference for a convicted fraudster. But she has.

She wrote pleading for Abdul Rauf to be spared a custodial sentence. Now this is a woman who has called for "zero tolerance" for benefit fraudsters. Something, that for reasons unexplained, she deems not applicable here.

In her letter she said what a wee shame it was for Rauf, and how the case has affected his health, and what about the weans, who'll look efter them if he's in the jail. Now I don't give a shit because father of five Rauf has admitted defrauding the Department of Work and Pensions of £80,000 over five years.

Rauf claimed he had £67 in savings in the bank when he applied for income support, despite formerly running a sub-post office in Edinburgh, owning a £400,000 family home in upmarket Springkell Avenue, Maxwell Park, Glasgow and a £200,000 property in Dalkeith Road which was earning him £650 a month in rent. Something he "forgot" about when defrauding the tax payer.

Now I can well understand how someone might accidentally defraud the DWP of 80 grand. It could happen to anyone. But not twice. Because Mr Rauf has got form. In 1996, he was jailed for four years for stealing pension and benefit payments. Back then he forged signatures on 779 Department of Social Security payment orders and kept the £58,624 for himself when he ran Tollcross sub-post office in Edinburgh. That'll be 779 accidents.

So, looks to me like the SNP have a new flagship policy. One that will get them the votes of every benefit cheat and fraudster in the land. And I know who I'll be writing to for help, should I find myself facing jail time. Stupid bint.

The Terry Factor

2010-02-09T14:32:00.002Z

It's been a good few days for football players.

Stoke City striker Ricardo Fuller has been arrested by police in connection with an incident at a Hanley nightclub. Fuller was accused of assaulting a 21-year-old man in the bar area of the JFK nightclub.

Officers were called to the JFK nightclub, in Trinity Street, at 1am on Sunday. Fuller has since been bailed, pending further inquiries. A club statement said: "The club can confirm that Fuller was arrested in the early hours of Sunday morning following an incident in a nightclub in Hanley, Stoke-on-Trent. We will be making no further comment at this time."

Former England football player Paul Gascoigne was being questioned by police after he was arrested on suspicion of being drunk in charge of a vehicle. The former Newcastle United and Tottenham Hotspur midfielder was taken into custody last night after police were called to a disturbance at a takeaway in Leeming Bar, North Yorkshire.

A North Yorkshire police spokesman said: "At 9.10pm on Sunday, officers from North Yorkshire police were called to a disturbance at a takeaway at Leeming Bar. Following inquiries, two men, aged 42 and 40, from the Newcastle area, were arrested on suspicion of being drunk while in charge of a motor vehicle. They were taken into custody for questioning and remain there."

But the winner is;

Newcastle United striker Andy Carroll who has been charged with assault, following an incident at a city-centre nightclub. The 21-year-old is accused of attacking another reveller inside the Blu Bambu, on Newcastle's Bigg Market, in December. He will face magistrates in Newcastle later this month.

A Northumbria police spokesman said: "Andrew Carroll, 21, of Prestwick, Newcastle, has today been charged with assault. This follows an incident at Newcastle's Blu Bambu nightclub in the early hours of 7 December 2009. He will appear at Newcastle magistrates court on 25 February."

Role models to a man.

Whit's goat ma goat

2010-02-08T11:24:00.002Z

Post Offices

When are they going to install a fast track system for tax payers? I'm sick and tired of queing up behind benefit monkeys getting their beer and smack tokens. Tax payers should be issued with a smartcard which allows them to enter a different entrance, complete with soft music and soothing lights, so we don't have to see our hard earned money being handed out to a bunch of grasping retards.

Bus shelters

Standing in front of a bus shelter, obscuring the view of those who have chosen to queue in the traditional manner, does not entitle you early entrance to the bus. It gets you a smack upside the head you rude, ignorant bastards.

Begging

Instead of them expecting handouts, why can't they earn their money through the time honoured fashion of stocks and rotting fruit. I'd happily pay a pound for a handful of past their best peaches, if I get to hurl them at some malingering bandit in a set of stocks. It's win-win. They get some pride back through earning their money. I get the satisfaction of showing my contempt.

Breich

I meant to have a mump about this earlier, but it all came flooding back as I passed through my ancestral lands of Breich, and on through Addiewell. Surely, when someone gets put into prison, they have chosen to step outwith the bounds of society. Therefore, the rules of society should no longer apply. So instead of giving them free drugs and plasma TVs, shouldn't we just birch them to within an inch of their miserable lives, every single day of their sentence? That way they'll be too tired of an evening to riot. But if they do, then that's what nightsticks and tasers were invented for.

Mr Boombastic

2010-02-08T11:05:00.000Z

Mr Boombastic

Marilying MacLaren given free liars pass

2010-02-05T10:34:00.003Z

Well known liar, Marilyne MacLaren, who has become notorious for her addiction to lying, has been given a life long get out of jail free card by the No Standards Commission.

You may recall that Cooncillor MacLaren, the education leader and convicted liar, was found to have broken the councillors' code of conduct by falsely accusing a parent of leaking information to the press, back in 2008.

After the press printed a story which named primary schools facing the axe, Marilying MacLaren accused parents representative, Mrs Flex of leaking the information, claiming she had "incontrovertible proof". But Mrs Flex was not the original source of the story and did not contact the press.

Here's how that story went;

1) Marilying wrote to Lynda Flex, stating she had "incontrovertible evidence" that Mrs Flex was leaking information and rescinded Mrs Flex's membership of the forum.
2) Mrs Flex denied she had released details and demanded proof.
3) As all the evidence arose from verbal reports, the council admitted it could not provide any documentary evidence.
4) The paper concerned stated that Mrs Flex was not the original source of the story.
5) Marilying has Mrs Flex was ejected from a meeting of the forum.
6) Council leader Jenny 'George' Dawe and Cooncillor MacLaren declined a request to apologise to Mrs Flex.
7) The report said;

"Marilying MacLaren's belief that she had identified the source at an earlier stage was based on what was proved to be less than definitive evidence."
"In dismissing Mrs Flex from membership of the forum she exceeded the powers available to her as a convener."
"Marilying MacLaren failed to meet acceptable standards of objectivity, stewardship and openness."

Which made here a big fat liar.

Now, here we are in 2010, and guess what?

A parent who made a complaint to the Standards Commission accusing education leader Marilying MacLaren of "lying" has been told by the watchdog it will not investigate.

Bruce Sherry, parent council chair of East Craigs Primary, complained after well known liar, Marilying MacLaren, made claims that parents supported school closures at the council meeting which decided the fate of four primaries last month. She said that she had asked parents whether they supported the closure plans – and that the broad view was that they did.

But parents who were actually at the meeting dispute this, and say that they refused to be drawn into discussing the issue or take part in a "straw poll".

Nice to see that Marilying has learnt her lesson.

However, the Standards Commission has decided that it is perfectly acceptable for the well known liar to continue lying, saying; "In considering your complaint, it is necessary to recognise that, in their role as local politicians, councillors make statements on a wide range of issues. Such statements are frequently a mixture of fact and opinion."

Such statements are frequently a mixture of fact and opinion!

Which says to me, and all the liars out there, that it's perfectly OK to lie about stuff, as long as you're a local politician. Sweet.

Headline Of The Year

2010-02-04T15:04:00.002Z

Headline Of The Year

"AMPUTEE LEFT WITH TWO LEFT FEET"

Thank you, The Metro

Embra / Glesgae photo special

2010-02-03T11:17:00.005Z

This is Glesgae on a good day. Jakeys just out of sight.

And this is Embra in the winter.

Rotten fruit and veg opportunity

2010-02-02T10:07:00.001Z

Bring your own stocks and rotten veg

As part of the IPSA consultation process that will decide once and for all the new system of MPs' expenses, there are a series of public meetings being held around the country to ask the public's opinion. If you'd like to go to one in your area, here are the details of those currently arranged:

Edinburgh on Wednesday 3rd February 2010 from 6.30pm to 9.30pm
Birmingham on Friday 5th February 2010 from 6.30pm to 9.30pm
Belfast on Monday 8th February 2010 from 6.30pm to 9.30pm

To register to attend, please send an email to info@ipsa.gsi.gov.uk with your name, email address and the meeting you want to attend or call 07508 076 408.

If you aren't able to attend the meetings, or if one hasn't been scheduled in your area yet, there is still time to take part in the online consultation here.

Do it, or they'll try and rob you blind all over again.

Justice!

2010-02-01T12:49:00.002Z

Mother and son, Lisa and Dean Devlin repeatedly punched and kicked Sharon Johnstone on the head and body to the danger of her life.

The Devlins went round to Ms Johnstone's home at around 9pm. Lisa Devlin first attacked Pearson Armstrong, Ms Johnstone's partner, hitting him on the face and attempting to gouge his eyes out. Dean Devlin, then struck Mr Armstrong on the head with a can.

Ms Johnstone was left with a string of injuries including lacerations to her spleen, which could have proved fatal, multiple rib fractures, reduced air entry to her lung due to partial collapse and facial cuts and bruises.

Lisa Devlin, of Kirkgate House, Constitution Street, Edinburgh, and Dean Devlin, of Edinbugh Prison, admitted carrying out the attacks at Baillie Place, Edinburgh, on 24 July last year.

The court heard the pair's offending stemmed from drinking and that Lisa Devlin had significantly cut back on the amount of alcohol she consumed. Sheriff Deidre MacNeill QC said it was a "horrible attack" and also placed Dean Devlin on probation for 18 months with the extra condition he attend alcohol counselling.

They were ordered to carry out 260 hours of community service.

That's right. 260 hours of community service, instead of being flogged to within an inch of their miserable lives. So, if I nip out out at lunchtime, get pished out of my face, and smack Sheriff Deidre MacNeill upside the hide, I should get off with what? 100 hours? Seems like a bargain.

If I hunt down the Devlins and gouge their eyes out, that's probably 50 hours a pop, as they're much less important than Sheriff Deidre. All told, 200 hours. This idea just keeps getting better.

Glasgow - s'mile's worse

2010-01-28T09:22:00.001Z

Now I know that all weegies are insanely jealous about the degree of sophistication and glamour to be found a few miles along the motorway in Embra. But sometimes, their jealousy tips too far over into the insane.

Because they've unveiled plans to "turn Glasgow into one of the greenest cities in Europe".

Straight away, red flags are waving, as we know that the greens are a bunch of left-wing radicals, only kept away from dictatorship because of their general tiredness and lack of red meat, but this is particularly fine.

City leaders believe the project could regenerate Glasgow, which they claim is already known as the "dear green place" (although I can think of several other phrases).

The proposals were drawn up by the University of Strathclyde, supported by a consortium including Glasgow City Council. It's called Sustainable Glasgow and, worryingly, the project also has the backing of the Scottish Government.

In finest green fashion, the proposal show an enviable degree of recycling including;

A tram network to carry passengers and freight, primarily in pedestrianised areas, such as between Queen Street and Central stations;
Biogas energy from the city's sewage and rubbish; and
Congestion charging, with reductions for people using electric vehicles.

No, I haven't made that up. They actually want to introduce trams to Glasweegie. Have they spent the last five years pretending that the Embra catastrophe hasn't happened? Do they not remember the disastrous attempt to introduce congestion charging? Has rickets finally transmuted into a brain disorder?

At least the middle one should work, if this quantity of shite is anything to go by.

Lamb's to the slaughter

2010-01-27T13:17:00.001Z

"The National Trust for Scotland is the conservation charity that protects and promotes Scotland's natural and cultural heritage for present and future generations to enjoy.

Established in 1931, the Trust acts as guardian of the nation's magnificent heritage of architectural, scenic and historic treasures. As an independent charity, not a government department, it acts on behalf of everyone to safeguard our heritage." - from the National Trust for Scotland's website.

You'll be pleased to know then that the "conservation charity that protects and promotes Scotland's natural and cultural heritage" has just sold off the A-listed, 16th-century town house in Leith where Mary Queen of Scots was welcomed when she arrived to claim the Scottish throne.

And the reason for this? They're skint.

At least they've sold Lamb's House to Nicholas Groves-Raines, a conservation architect, but quite how selling it off fits in with their status as "guardians of the nation's magnificent heritage of architectural, scenic and historic treasures" is a wee bit beyond me.

Naturally, the owner has no intention of letting the public anywhere near it, as he is planning to convert into a family home and offices for his architectural practice.

Let's see how the NTS chief executive justified it. Harumph [koff]. "Caring for heritage properties is an increasingly expensive business and we recognise that we have to get the balance right," said Kate Mavor, the NTS chief executive. "We have limited resources and believe these should be directed towards the properties that people can visit and enjoy. The Trust cares for these places on behalf of the nation and access is one of our core principles." That'll be another disaster like Project Scotland, then?

So let's sell of an A-listed 16th century house, the one where Mary Queen of Scots sheltered on a misty morning when she sailed into Leith Harbour from France on 18 August 1561. As the contemporary records state, Mary "remainit in Andro Lamb's hous" while messages were sent to Edinburgh letting the nobility know she's arrived.

If they think they're in financial difficulty now, how will they feel a few years from now when their disillusioned members stop giving them money, just so they can watch the NTS "safeguard our heritage" by selling it off to anyone with deep pockets.

Thieves and bandits.

Whit's goat ma goat

2010-01-25T15:43:00.002Z

___________________________________________

Benches

Why have the cooncil pinched a' the benches fae Coates Crescent Gardens and Atholl Crescent Gardens? Dinnae ask the parks department or whatever stupid ass "Services For" title they've given themselves. Because they dinnae ken.

___________________________________________

Opticians

I appreciate the humour of the situation, but playing "I Can See For Miles" by The Who in the waiting room might not appeal to all. What next - "Blinded By The Light", "I Can See Clearly Now", "Can't Take My Eyes Off You"?

___________________________________________

Minging

It's 2010. Surely by now everyone has had ample opportunity to become acquainted with soap and water. We should now, legally, be obligated to beat mingers on the bus aboot the head with a sharp, point-ed stick.

___________________________________________

The Electricity Board

It's all well and good having a fancy, schmany telephone meter reading service, but perhaps teaching your meter readers how to write legibly should have been the first step.

___________________________________________

Santander

It's all well and good having a fancy, schmany internet payment service, but perhaps having one that doesn't work in Opera, Firefox, Safari or Chrome wasn't the best move. Especially when you don't mention it before I put all my card details in and press enter.

___________________________________________

Gits, the lot o' ye.

Susan Boyle saves Haiti

2010-01-21T11:10:00.001Z

Naturally I spent most of last night marvelling at the Thrilla At The Villa, as the mighty Aston Vanilla sent Frodo and his hobbits back to the Burn of Black with their prehensile tails firmly planted up their butts.

But during a 30 second lull in the action I flicked over to the National TV Awards, to be confronted by the sheer horror that is Subo in full flight. However, instead of her usual caterwauling retardathon maulings of the Andrew Lloyd-Webber back catalogue, I was instead amazed to find her burbling on about Haiti, although it was barely audible above the boos.

Now, I was surprised that she was able to pronounce it, but it seems the elocution lessons had paid off, and she finished off her solving of the Haiti crisis by bringing Dr Who on stage to assist her in saving the planet.

It was a confusing time, but I flicked back to the Thrilla At The Villa just in time to see Ashley Young putting the last dying hobbit to the sword.

Imagine my surprise, then, to find out that it wasn't Susan Boyle, but Sarah Brown, who had been banging on about Haiti. Now I've got two eyes, so how does Pa Broon manage to tell the difference. Maybe he gets Sarah to sing something from Les Mis before she's allowed to get into bed with him? If she's clever, she'll buy the Subo CD and learn how to mime, so she never has to spend alone time with him ever again.

Or are they one and the same person? If so, perhaps some of the profits from the CD could be given back to the taxpayer in atonement for Pa Broons ineptitude. At least that way some good will have come from the whole Susan Boyle nightmare.

Wee lamb

2010-01-19T10:04:00.001Z

The former death row convict, and pretendy Scotchman, Kenny Richey, fears he will be victimised by US courts after allegedly hitting his son with a baseball bat.

Mr Richey is facing two charges of assaulting his son Sean, 23, with a baseball bat and a further charge of issuing "terroristic threats" to kill the arresting officers.

He believes many Americans are "furious" that he beat the death penalty three years ago, and want to see him back behind bars.

He reportedly said: "Me and Sean had a bust-up. He tried to punch me and came at me with a baseball bat. I got the bat off him and he got a smack on the head during the struggle."

He has been released on $3,000 (£1,850) police bail, intends to plead not guilty when he appears in court on 19 January. However, he fears a maximum sentence of 14 years for assault and three years for threatening police because of his previous history.

Well, here's an idea. Don't go around hitting your son with a baseball bat, and don't threaten to kill policemen. It's usually the best way of not going to jail.

I'm just glad it happened in America where they still have proper prison sentences. If it had happened over here, then doubtless the wee lamb would have received some anger counselling and a probation order.

After all, after he was charged with assaulting and robbing 63-year-old Robert McCall at his Edinburgh apartment on July 11 2008 and another assault six days later, the judge presiding over the case dismissed the charges explaining that he felt Richey "had suffered enough".*

The hearing is today, so here's hoping the USA lock the bastard up for 14 years. I'll buy the soap.

*Derek Ogg, for the prosecution, told the judge, Lord McEwan that Richey was heard to call the fiscal depute a “f****** lying bitch”. As he was being escorted from the dock, the fiscal depute heard him say: “Tell you what, bitch, if I'm going to hurt anyone, I'm going to hurt you, motherf*****.”

Ronnie Renucci, for the defence, said yesterday: “He was anxious to regain his liberty, and he felt frustrated. He accepts that he over-reacted.”

Richey was admonished by Lord McEwan, who acknowledged he had spent seven months in custody and said he had “suffered much”. Lord McEwan told him: “I'm not going to add to your troubles.”

Shits and idiots

2010-01-18T09:35:00.003Z

Shits of the week

That would be the silver car that was speeding the wrong way through the one way system in the store car park, which then swerved into the last available disabled car space, only for two young women to leap (and I mean leap) out, then run, along with their two equally abled children to the swimming pool. You are the shits of the week.

Eejits

It's been annoying me for ages, but I finally have to vent aboot the "Welcome To Leith Walk" sign in Albert Place. That's Albert Place in Edinburgh. Not Leith. I kind of get the "We Love Leith" signs they've got up in Edinburgh, but surely even the eejits that pass for a cooncil can work out where Edinburgh ends and Leith Walk begins.

Mind you, that would involve being able to read the street signs that say Leith Walk. Either that, or the cooncil has decided that Google is now the arbiter of everything, and that streets like Middlefield and the places, Albert, Croall, Shrub and Crighton no longer exist.

Gits.

Haiti

2010-01-15T10:07:00.000Z

I'm giving nothing to Haiti!

Did they come and clear the snow off my street?

No, they bloody didn't!

I may have to go out and kill someone

2010-01-15T10:03:00.002Z

I may have to go out and kill someone

Email Logic Course
Thursday **** January 2010
London **** ******
14:30 – 16:00

The suggested outcomes of this session include;
· Reduced stress and time spent using email
· Receiving fewer unwanted emails
· Sending clearer messages
· Reducing the number of stored emails and freeing up server space
· An increased awareness of the impact your email use has on others in the organisation.

For further information visit http://www.emailogic.com/ or download the Info Pack

I've already lost more than 31 minutes fulminating, cursing, plotting, and pushing old ladies off the bus. Gits.

Robber of the week

2010-01-14T09:45:00.000Z

I was in a relatively good mood. I was heading off to a lecture on the history of Gayfield House. But I had a wee thirst on, so decided to pop into a grocers for a bottle of Coke Zero.

It was my first visit to said grocers, and as is often the (illegal) case, there was no indication of the price. So I took it up to the till, and was mildly horrified to be asked for £1.19. For just under a pint of Coke Zero. "I won't bother", said I. "If I walk a hundred yards doon the road, it's 40p cheaper."

To which the shopkeeper replied (in a fruitier way), "I don't care if it's 50p, get oot".

A wonderful example of customer service, which leads me to believe that the shop assistant in the Khyber Stores in Lochrin Buildings must have been descended from the robber barons who used to extort money in the Khyber Pass.

I won't be going back.

Cooncil hoors in pretendy cutbacks

2010-01-13T09:52:00.000Z

You know you're in a recession when the cooncil claim they're going to cut some of their own perks. And now that they've left the toon's most vulnerable people to starve to death in their own filth, they've decided that some positive PR is in order.

Which is why toon cooncil Jenny 'George' Dawe has called for a cull of council fat cats in a bid to save money. She has ordered chief executive Tom Aitchison (salary £150,000 per year) to look at slashing management to make savings in time for the financial year beginning in April.

Seems that the cooncil employs six other directors who are paid more than £100,000 a year to run Embra (motto: It's A Bit Shit).

Mr Aitchison (pictured above in his office) is to report back on his findings by next month in order to allow cooncillors to include any savings found in the 2010-11 budgets. This is not expected to include a recommendation that he be fired and replaced with a badly trained monkey.

Cllr Dawe said: "I will put a motion to the committee asking the chief executive to report to the budget meeting of all ways of reducing costs and structures of senior management. Although we have taken some steps to reducing management layers and working more efficiently, we have not had a formal report and the chief executive will be asked to provide one. Blah, blah, blah, do you think anyone is still reading this nonsense? No? So I can put through that order for a gold plated bidet and no-one will notice. Sweet!"

Back at cooncil HQ, the 23 members of staff earning over 80k a year are really, really hoping that no-one finds out who they are, or what they do.

Ushering in another architectural nightmare

2010-01-12T11:05:00.001Z

The picture above shows what the Usher Hall used to look like. It was a lovely building built in 1910, and is / was an octagonal concert hall gifted to Embra by the Usher brewery family.

The cooncil have been busy making changes to it, in a project that is currently four years late and one initially budgeted at £9 million pounds. It currently stands at £25 million pounds.

As with all refurbs to cultural institutions, the powers that be have decided to focus on the important, cultural aspects. So that £25 million has went on a new café, corporate hospitality facilities, a new box office, education space, and administration offices.

So that will make for a higher standard of performance.

Now, I could forgive this ludicrous excess, were it not for one thing. This.

It really is horrific, bordering on desecration.

Yes, in a surprise move, the architects decided to put up a butt ugly glass fronted extension. No, I'm not kidding. A glass extension.

Have a look at the architects 'vision'.

That looks worth every penny of £25 million. Just think how the toons cultural experience will be enhanced by a bunch of students drinking over-priced coffee in a glass fronted cafe. I can feel my IQ rising already.

Even better, thanks to the butt ugly glass fronted extension, you can no longer see the Royal Lyceum Theatre from the main road. The Lyceum was built in 1883 and has had only four minor refurbishments, leaving it as one of the most original and unaltered theatre's in Edinburgh. God help us if the cooncil or LDN Architects get their hands on that.

After all, why look at something nice, when you can marvel at yet another disaster for Edinburgh architecture. Gits.

Mind you, LDN are doing the Assembly Rooms refit, so that should be another nightmare. As they are also responsible for the horror that is the Edinburgh Festival Theatre, don't be surprised if the words 'glass' and 'fronted' make an appearance.

Natural selection

2010-01-11T10:06:00.001Z

Natural selection

Now I'm not saying some people deserve to die. Well I am, but that seemed a bit brutal for an opening sentence, so I saved it for sentence two.

Apparently, a 14 strong fire crew rescued a man who had been sledging on Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh. And for the benefit of any Australian readers (or Australians who're having this read out to them), that's got nothing to do with cricket. It involves sliding down a snow covered hill (or in this case extinct volcano) on a piece of wood. No, not skiing. That's two pieces of wood. Eejits.

They were called to the scene at 12:22am on Friday. That's twenty two minutes after midnight. The 20-year-old man, who was thought to have a head injury, was hauled from a gully in Holyrood Park and was taken to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.

I assume the head injury occurred when the delivery room doctor dropped him on his head back in 1990.

Git.

Thieving bastards

2010-01-08T12:37:00.002Z

Does anyone remember 2009? It wasn't that long ago, really. Those of you not out of your heads on smack and bucky may also recall that it was the year of the Great Expenses Scandal. You know, the one where all those thieving bastard MPs finally got caught with their snouts in the trough.

"We're so sorry" they said. At least when they weren't telling us to chuff off as it was none of our business how much money they were spending on gold plated hoors and strawberry cocaine.

"We won't do it again", they cried. "Just let us get on with ruining (sorry, running) the country, and we'll be good boys and girls". And, lo and behold, the Commons standards watchdog Sir Christopher Kelly came up with a plan which would cut down on their thieving.

All the party leaders lined up to say how spiffing and splendid it was, and how only people of oustanding probity would be allowed to represent us, the people. No more thieving and hooring. Honest, guv.

So it should come as no surprise that just as the country is busy banging on about a wee bit weather, that the powers that be should sneak out a wee revision.

MPS could keep employing their spouses and continue flipping their second homes under a dramatic revision of the supposedly "tough" new expenses regime.

Sir Ian Kennedy, the new head of the parliamentary expenses system – the Independent Parliamentary Scrutiny Authority (IPSA) has denied that proposals had been "watered down", but the IPSA recommendations differ from the tougher proposals put forward in November in the Kelly report.

The "wee revisions" include changes that will allow MPs living just outside London to be able to claim expenses for their second homes. Unlike the Kelly report that recommended that those within an hour of Westminster should not be able to claim.

The new proposals will also allow MPs to "flip" the designation of their main home once in each parliament and they will also be allowed to keep their relatives on the public payroll. You know, the things that must never, ever, ever happen again. At least back in November, when people were still paying attention.

Sir Ian said "the aim of the scheme we are putting forward must be to contribute to restoring the public's confidence in parliament and at the same time meet the legitimate needs of MPs".

Sir Ian is inviting the public to give feedback online over the next five weeks, at

MPs are dirty, thieving, bandits dot org dot uk

You may want to let your views be known. Feel free to use words like "dirty", "thieving" and "bandits" as often as you like.

High five or smackdown?

2010-01-07T10:40:00.003Z

I'm unsure whether to punch Norman Work, SNP cooncillor for Almond and deputy health leader on Embra Toon Cooncil, in the face, or send him a telegram of congratulations.

See, Cooncillor Work (hah!) says that clearing the city's pavements of ice and snow is 'not job of council'.

He reckoned it was "no time for laziness" and that residents should "stop expecting other people to do the work" – unless they are "90 years old".

Normally, I'm all in favour of people accepting personal responsibility for their actions but somehow the notion of a cooncillor telling me to get off my arse and do some work just doesn't hang right.

I don't have huge expectations of the cooncil. Which is just as well considering how rubbish they are. I'd like them to clean my street, which they don't. I'd like them to empty my bins. Which they haven't done for nearly three weeks. I'm quite keen on street lighting, but less keen on them getting switched off at 8am in the winter when it's still pitch black. And I'd really like them to grit the streets and, especially, the pavements.

I don't use any other cooncil services, and it seems like a reasonable wish list for the £1500 quid a year I pay them. But, seeing as how Cooncillor Work thinks I should be doing things myself, then I'm quite happy to clear the pavement outside my stair on their behalf. However. as that's one of only four things on my list, it only seems fair that I should be getting some of my money back. Now I accept that this only happens in the winter, so I'm not looking for 25% off. Let's say 10% and I'll buy my own shovel and cat litter. Add in another discount for not cleaning the street, factor in the number of times the bins don't get emptied and I reckon about £300 ought to cover it.

I look forward to receiving my cheque from Cooncillor Work and as soon as it clears, then so will the snow and ice outside my stair.

Where are the global warming zealots?

2010-01-06T09:58:00.001Z

Where are the global warming zealots?

Presumably sunning themselves somewhere secret.

Now, hands up, I've always been a global warming denier, to use the friendly, inclusive terminology of the global warmers. But that's mainly because I genuinely don't believe there's enough evidence for it, rather than my natural inclination to beat hippies to death. And I'm a wee bit suspicious about how they don't ever mention how their own records show a decline in global temperatures over the last 10 years. Apparently, that doesn't count.

But my doubts have only increased this past year thanks to the £170 million pound a year, publicly funded, Met Office. At the start of 2009 they happily advised us to prepare for a tropical summer. You remember that one? The one just past that was one of the wettest and coldest in two decades. Then in the Autumn they told us to prepare for a mild winter, the likes of which would be heralded by polar bears floating by on the shards of melted ice caps. You might have spotted that as you dig your way out of the worst winter weather for nearly 30 years, with temperatures expected to plummet as low as –20C by the weekend. It's why your local cooncil has run out of grit, you know.

Yes, they base their winter preparations on the information pumped out of the new superduper computer that the Met Office use for their predictions. The predictions that are based on the same computer models that tell us we'll all be basking in sub-tropical sunshine in the next 20 to 30 years. The same computer models that produce the global warming propaganda bandied about at the carbon guzzling conferences our so-called leaders are so keen on.

Now, maybe it's because I'm not a scientist, but can someone explain to me how I'm supposed to believe predictions thirty years into the future, when they can't get it right thirty weeks into the future. Thankfully, Stephen Dorling, of the University of East Anglia's school of environmental sciences (the one that "fudged" their data to make it fit the above model in the "Climategate" scandal) has leapt to my aid. He has said it was not surprising the cold period raised questions over climate change - but the snowy weather should not be used as evidence against it.

Dr Dorling said: ''There is no doubt we will continue to have unusually warm and unusually cold Decembers and Januarys but it will be superimposed on what the background climate is doing.''

Eh? That's science?

And why is no-one trumpeting a new study, published in the online journal Geophysical Research Letters, on research carried out by the University of Bristol's Earth Sciences Department which shows that the Earth's ability to absorb carbon dioxide from all sources, including man, has remained unchanged for 160 years. As it turns out, there may be no carbon to offset. Unlike the University of East Anglia, Bristol's Earth Sciences Department followed the data where it led instead of manipulating it to hide the decline in temperatures over the last ten years.

The new study shows that only 45% of man's emissions, not 100% as global warmers claim, stays in the atmosphere, and that includes the carbon emissions of the Copenhagen conference. The rest is absorbed by nature, and that percentage hasn't changed since 1850. Bristol University reached their conclusions by relying on measurements and statistical data, including historical records extracted from Antarctic ice. Unlike the University of East Anglia that used dodgy computer models with "fudged" data.

Now, that's science!

Is there a doctor in the hoose?

2009-09-09T08:39:00.000Z

Is there a doctor in the hoose?

Seems like the Scotch Nazionalists have finally come out of the closet as flip-topped loonyballs.

Because yesterday, they unveiled their "vision of seat at top table of world leaders".

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't having visions like that tantamount to delusion? Surely, all we need now is two doctors to sign a form, and we can have the whole lot locked up for their own safety.

At a ceremony in Brussels, attended by SNP politicians and a film crew from Reporting Scotland, all of whom had flown over that day, Scotch external affairs minister Mike "Mad Mick" Russell unveiled the document, with the aid of a puppet show and some sparklers.

Amusingly, the document ignored small details like the law, and claimed that Scotchland would have a stronger place in the European Union with its own commissioner and more MEPs, ignoring the fact that Scotchland would have to renegotiate entry into the EU, and somehow coming to the conclusion that more MEPs would be a good thing.

But, Mad Mick saved the best for last, by claiming that, as part of a small nation, the Scotch would be more likely to secure leading international roles, including Secretary-General of the United Nations.

Now, if the rest wasn't mad enough, that last statement should be enough to ensure a lenghthy spell in a place of confinement, with only soft furnishing and some basket weaving for company. I mean, can you think of one single Scotchman or woman fit to be Secretary-General of the United Nations? Well, I can, but Oor Wullie is oan the pension nowadays.

Remind me again why capital punishment is wrong? Part 2

2009-09-03T15:03:00.000Z

Two young brothers who carried out a vicious torture attack on a pair of schoolboys were were known to detectives but failed to turn up to a scheduled interview, instead carrying out a sadistic attack which left an 11 year-old fighting for his life.

Acting Superintendent Ian Bint said a serious case review was under way to see whether more could have been done to prevent the crime. Uh-huh.

He added that both brothers had been through the criminal system on several occasions and were known to police and other agencies. The pair, who can not be named, but who should be publicly disembowelled pleaded guilty to grievous bodily harm with intent, causing a child to engage in sexual activity and robbery. They also admitted an assault on an 11-year-old boy the previous week.

In the second incident, the boys lured their young victims to heathland near Doncaster, before subjecting them to a prolonged and vicious attack which left one of them fighting for his life. They robbed one of them of his £4 pocket money and took a mobile phone from the other before setting about beating them with bricks and sticks and forcing them to eat nettles. During the sustained and sadistic attack, they repeatedly threatened to kill the boys, the younger of whom was aged 9, an forced them to a perform a sex act together.

At one point a disused kitchen sink was dropped on the head of the older boy and a noose put around his neck. He was then thrown 30ft into a disused railway line and left, half naked, drifting in and out of consciousness face down in the mud. The younger victim was burned with cigarette ends on his eyelids and ear before being stabbed with a sharpened stick and cigarettes were pushed into his open wounds.

The attackers were later found with their father who lived nearby. Police were alerted when the younger of the victims, aged just nine, was found wandering nearby streets by a group of girls. He was covered in so much blood that one witness initially thought that he had been doused in red paint. Police and neighbours searched the area and found the older boy critically ill covered in cuts and bruises and showing a ligature mark around his neck.

Interestingly enough, earlier this year, the Children’s Secretary sent in a new management team to take over Doncaster’s children’s services department after noting “serious weaknesses” in its provision.

Both of the young attackers were in foster care at the time of the attack on April 4 and are believed to have been responsible for a string of other violent incidents in the weeks leading up to it. They had been expelled from school and were taught in a special unit but were placed with foster carers just a mile from the home of their father, whom they saw regularly, and were allowed to roam the streets unsupervised, according to neighbours.

And now we will house them, pamper them, talk to them, coddle them, and eventually release them. Whereas we should just kill them now.

I hate this country.

Remind me again why capital punishment is wrong?

2009-09-02T11:26:00.001Z

A teenage girl was stripped and "tortured" for 45 minutes by two other girls in a multi-storey car park, while a boy filmed it on his mobile phone, a court heard yesterday. The attackers, aged 13 and 14, repeatedly kicked the victim's head "like a football" and beat her about the skull with their stiletto heels, which she was forced to lick clean of her blood. The boy, 13, kept egging on his friends and called to them to "put her to sleep".

The 13-year-old attacker accused the victim of making threats against her and grabbed her by the hair and threw her to the ground. She repeatedly kicked her head, and the boy filmed the assault. He shouted that he wanted the victim naked, and complained: "It's only been five minutes of torture."

The second attacker joined in, and she and her friend took it in turn to kick and punch the victim, who was naked and slumped on the ground. They began to take shots of kicking her head "as if it were a football". The boy told them to "get the heels out", and they struck the girl with their high-heeled shoes in turn.

The victim spent six days in hospital recovering from multiple injuries.

Lord Malcolm adjourned the case until next month to obtain background reports. He remanded the accused in custody, and said he would consider viewing the video in chambers before the sentencing hearing.

I can only think of one reason why these barbarians should not be hung. It's not punishment enough. I'm thinking torn limb from limb by wild horses. At least they'll get a taste of their own evil doing before the worthless scum are disposed of permanently.

At the very least, we should get their names, address and pictures, so natural justice can take its course. Sadly, we're looking at 18 months in a young offenders institute, replete with TV, internet and gameboys.

I hate this country.

Thank you, Daily Express

2009-09-01T12:53:00.000Z

Thank you, Daily Express

Monkey see, monkey do

2009-08-28T10:20:00.000Z

Tinks in the north-east of Scotland believe they have been subjected to widespread discrimination and harassment, according to a new study*.

Half of travellers surveyed in the region reported that they had been the victim of verbal abuse, a third said stones had been thrown at them and a quarter claimed they had been assaulted. Something I'm sure would change if they transformed from a bunch of malingering benefits scroungers into worthwhile human beings.

*The report was carried out by consultants’ Craigforth and included interviews with 73 travellers, leading to numerous unverified allegations of harassment.

Elsewhere, a poster ad for a children's charity that showed two black teenagers harassing a white man reinforced negative stereotypes and was therefore "racist", the advertising watchdog has ruled. Because that never, ever happens. Only white folks do bad things.

The Advertising Standards Authority also found that another billboard ad for the Kids Company charity that stated "You are right – kids who can kill really are wrong in the head" beneath a picture of four black teenagers was likely to cause offence. Especially to anyone who happens to have been killed by black teenagers. Or, does that never happen? If so, someone ought to tell the news organisations, because their reporting would seem to indicate otherwise.

The charity said that the campaign as a whole had used a cross-section of local children from different backgrounds in and around Kilburn, north London. According to Kids Company the racial mix was representative of the children from the youth clubs in that area, with 80% of the children that came to it for help from Afro-Caribbean backgrounds, a proportion that was again reflected by the ads.

But, apparently, the truth counts for nothing.

I hate this country.

Government Poltroons Of The Week

2009-08-26T09:59:00.000Z

As you probably have no idea, Ofsted is the Office for Standards in Education, Children's Services and Skills. You'll see the words Standard and Skills in there. So pay attention.

They have just started a consultation exercise seeking views on their first single equality scheme. The scheme will replace its existing three separate schemes: disability equality, race equality and gender equality. Cos' you can't have three equality schemes, in case they're not equal.

Helpfully, the consultation document is available in two formats. Ofsted say;

* Word version - questionnaire can be filled in by hand or on your computer
* PDF version - questionnaire can be filled in by hand

You can also download the consultation document in any format and then complete the online questionnaire. Now, I have grabbed a picture of the very first question on the very first page of the online questionnaire.

D'ye see the problem here?

Now how many people were involved, at what cost, just so that individuals can't get past question 1, and end up in a neverending loop, which will cause them to melt down, weeping in sheer frustration at the ineptitude of the people who're supposed to be running this godforsaken country.

Unless it's deliberate, in which case, congratulations. But I doubt there is anyone that smart in the Office for Standards in Education, Children's Services and Skills.

Poltroons.

Hero Of The Week Award

2009-08-25T13:29:00.001Z

Goes to;

Mr David Smith, a principal officer of temporary accommodation at the toon cooncil. Yes, you read that right. In a world where the word 'hero' has been devalued beyond belief, I'm lining up Mariah Carey, a red carpet, and a sparkly award for an employee of the City of Edinburgh Council.

Mr Smith (allegedly) sent an email about the Stand International scheme, which will see 20 young homeless volunteers and eight team leaders from Scotland take part in a humanitarian project.

In the e-mail, sent on 20 August, Mr Smith told three of his seniors that homeless client William Godsell, 54, could "lie about his age and take up this wonderful opportunity" in Belarus.

"The good folk of Belarus might embrace him to their collectivised bosoms or maybe just employ a solution to Mr Godsell's homelessness via Mr Kalashnikov's tried and trusted method of dealing with 'issues'," he wrote.

Excuse me, while I take a contortionist class, so I can tip my hat and give him a round of applause, simultaneously, for an ingenious and well-worded method of dealing with a 'challenging customer'. Which is modernese for a sponging, malingering, puddock.

So, congratulations Mr Smith, the first winner of the soon to be coveted ASAAD "I Don't Bring Problems, I Bring Solutions © Award". Altogether now;

"And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you"

Cheeky Bitch Of The Year Award

2009-08-24T13:35:00.000Z

Goes to;

Tessa Hartmann, the founder of the Scottish Fashion Awards who has criticised the "parochialism" of Scotland's arts bodies after being forced to search for a new venue for the event.

Tessa Hartmann spoke of her disappointment that the awards will no longer be staged at Stirling Castle after she failed to secure sponsorship backing from Historic Scotland and Stirling Council for next year's show.

She accused Historic Scotland, which manages the castle, of being amateurish after they refused to double the seating capacity and rejected her request for sponsorship.

The cheeky bitch.

The heritage body turned down her request for sponsorship for the event, whose backers include Marks & Spencer and Vogue.com saying "we have to make charges to cover staffing and other costs, and venue hire is an important source of income which we use to invest in the care of our national heritage."

And quite bloody right too. After all, why the hell should they give a commercial event public money, when it's got damn all to do with them. The cheeky bitch.

PS - was her mum in Allo' Allo'?

Funny, cruel, kind or creepy?

2009-08-21T12:35:00.001Z

I'm not a fan of old people. They smell funny, wear bad clothes and take up too much room on the bus. So I'm not sure whether I like this story or not.

Doon the road at the Cleveland View Care Home in Middlesbrough they've made a pretendy world for the doddery inhabitants. One floor of the building now includes a pretendy pub, cinema, indoor garden, hairdressers, old fashioned parlour and children’s nursery.

The cinema shows old films every day and the parlour has an old gramophone for those Al Bowlly moments (see below). Bird sounds are played in the garden to give a pretendy outdoor feel and some residents have adopted dolls from the nursery as their ‘babies’. [Yeech]

My favourite is the pretendy bus stop of which, the manager says, "“We put the bus stop in because a lot of residents with dementia walk about looking for a purpose or maybe looking to go home. They will sit and wait at the bus stop and forget what they are waiting for and then move on to other activities.”

Funny, cruel, kind or creepy? You decide.

Proper football

2009-08-20T09:29:00.003Z

Nice to see that Robbie Fowler is adapting well to the natives over in the alien lizard wastelands of Oztralia.

Proper football. Well, faceball.

Scrounging Bastards

2009-08-19T10:32:00.002Z

So, the little darlings started back at school today, for an action packed term of rolling condoms on bananas, brushing up on their benefit claim forms and getting certificates for getting on the bus(!)*

Strangely, none of the ones I saw slobbing along the road this morning seemed to be suffering from nekkidness, which surprised me after a recent poll claimed that 51% of parents in households with incomes below £30,000 said they could not afford everything their child needed for the start of the new school year. The findings, from children's charities Save the Children and Family Action, suggest that schools are failing to act on government warnings to reduce the costs facing parents.

I assume, therefore, that the designer trainers and top of the range mobile phones that were on display in Leith today, were bought from a hard summers tattie howkin.

Of the families struggling, 43% said they were likely to have problems buying school uniforms, 26% said they would not be able to buy their children the full PE kit, and 19% said they struggled to pay for the books and equipment.

Now let's see. Assuming Tesco aren't lying, their Tesco branded school uniform items for age ranges three to 16 sees polo shirts costing 50p, trousers/skirts £1.50 and sweatshirts £1.75. And that fat lad and the wifie fae Cold Feet are on the telly every night buying a gazillion items of clothing for a tenner.

Now let's look at the utterly ludicrous child benefit. You know, the temporary measure introduced after the war, to encourage people to have kids, what with everyone being dead an' all. The current rates are;
Eldest or only child - £20.00
Additional children - per child - £13.20

So, for one bairn you'll get £1040.00 per year, for 2 you'll get £1726.40, and for three £2412.80. Of my money. Seems like more than enough to buy a few school uniforms, with plenty left over for booze n' fags. Add in another couple of grand for working tax credit and child tax credit, and you're absolutely minted.

So, may I make a small suggestion. Use the insane amounts of money you get for breeding to look after your own bloody children, and stop whinging on about how difficult it is for you, and how Someone ought to do Something About It. You were the one that dumped a load / received a load. Deal with it. Stop begging for more handouts, cut down on the number of flat screen tellies you buy each year, and take care of your own Monkey Faced Offspring.!

You're all utter, utter shites.

*Entitled "Using Public Transport (Unit 1)" it recognises, amongst other skills, the ability to:
*Walk to the local bus stop.
*Stand or sit at a bus stop and wait for the arrival of a public bus.
*Sit on the bus and observe through the windows.

Not made up - see here.

Cooncil plans wanton destruction

2009-08-18T11:47:00.001Z

You may be old enough to remember that the UNESCO World Heritage Committee nipped over to Embra to shake their heads and sigh at the absolute mess that Embra toon cooncil has made of Absolutely Everything.

Well, they've finally reported back and surprise, surprise, they've basically decided that Embra is run by a bunch of retards who wouldn't recognise a worthy architectural project if it rammed them up the jacksey with a mechanical digger.

You can get a copy of the report by downloading a pdf here.

And the cooncils response? They're going to hire a world heritage site officer, with a salary of up to £40,000, to provide 'advice'. Which they will ignore. And continue to trouser any passing broon envelopes while foisting monstrosities upon what used to be a beautiful city.

The shower 'o shites.

Surprise! Surprise! - Embra disaster confirmed

2009-08-14T11:00:00.000Z

Edinburgh (pictured above), the beautiful, picturesque, tourist friendly, tram (singular) disaster zone may not now be completed until 2013 and is expected to breach its £545 million budget. Surprise!

Despite poor, ignorant folks like myself having said this for years in the face of oot and oot lies from the cooncil and TIE, it turns out that we are now looking at a further 18 month delay came as the tram (singular) company are now in formal dispute over costs with the construction group building the line. Surprise!

In a report for next week's full council meeting, cooncil chiefs admi that it would be "very difficult" to complete the "full scope" of the Edinburgh Airport-Newhaven tram line within its budget. Top secret, don't say it was us sources said the council was considering cutting back the line from Newhaven to Ocean Terminal. Surprise!

The local authority, which has raised only a small fraction of its own £45m contribution to the project, is thought to be facing a total shortfall of up to £90m. Surprise!

Naturally, the cooncil are looking at skimming more money from the buses by raising fares, cutting off-peak services on loss-making routes and reducing frequencies on others. Surprise!

They've also said completion of the project was now forecast for February 2012 – seven months later than the previously announced date. However, Stephen Bell, tram 9singular) project director for TIE has said that if the dispute was not resolved and work was not speeded up, trams would not start running until at least 2013. Surprise! Surprise!

The council admitted this week that the utility diversion work would not now be completed until November, nearly a year late, and that this has pushed up costs by 12% and that 20% of the work is unfinished. Track laying, in Shandwick Place, had been delayed from the end of this month because the contractors wanted the cost of the work to be agreed following completion, rather than for a fixed price in advance. Surprise!

Jenny 'George' Dawe, cooncil leaderette, emerged from her underground lair to say "it is clearly regrettable the dispute has escalated to this stage, but we are giving TIE our full backing, as it's nothing to do with me, sno ma fault, go and see wee Fat Eck and leave me alone."

Should I be laughing or crying?

2009-08-13T09:33:00.001Z

Scotch Parliament bosses have spent £300,000 on new computers for MSPs and their staff – but the screens are too big for the desks. Researchers said the size and design of the new PCs meant they had no space left to work, and some are so frustrated they have asked to keep their old screens.

Will we start a whiproond to buy them a ruler? I'm sure you can get one for less than £300k. Unless the Parly lets the contract, in which case, who knows?

The Scotch Government is to spend £4 million over two years helping children play. The cash, announced by children's minister Adam Ingram, will be spent to improve facilities where children need them most.

Now, I may be having false memories, as the lizards have many tricks up their sleeves, but I don't recall spending my childhood sitting around staring into space during the many hours between school days. And I certainly didn't need the government to help me play. It just came naturally. Child+Child+Outside=Play. They can have that for a tenner. Cash.

The Scotch Government has agreed to plough in £2 million to help the regeneration of Craigmillar (pictured above). The bid for funding was put in by PARC Craigmillar Limited. PARC general manager John Quinn said the Scotch Government money would mostly go towards bringing the historic White House pub building back into use. He hopes the listed art deco building can become either a family pub and restaurant.

That's right. We're buying a pub at Craigmillar. Yes, that Craigmillar. The one where the tinks set fire to each other for fun. So, on top of the £100 million pounds we've already wasted on the shites who rut out there, we're now buying them a pub. On the plus side, this must mean the government is abandoning the Drink Is Bad message, which should save a bundle on DVDs, leaflets, posters, TV adverts, working groups, forums etc, all of which tell us Drink Is Bad.

Laughing and crying, laughing and crying.

Let's talk Embra shite, baby

2009-08-11T08:35:00.002Z

Looks like The Hootsmons financial troubles have been assuaged by a large kickback from the cooncil and the tram (singular) company.

Because, according to them, four progress reports due to be released tomorrow for submission to Edinburgh City Council's economic development committee show that, despite the disruption to the city centre and sharp falls in business for Princes Street retailers, Edinburgh is outperforming comparable cities.

Apparently, the number of businesses registered for VAT rose by 26 per cent over the April-June quarter. Which may or may not be connected to the large number of people made redundant who can't get jobs so start working for themselves.

It also seems that Edinburgh house prices are only down 6.7 per cent year-on-year, while those in comparator cities are down 14 per cent.

Building warrants issued and planning applications received in Edinburgh are both showing signs of recovery. Applications received rose 4.4 per cent in July. But that's not connected to people doing up their own houses, because they can't afford to move. See above.

Unemployment in the capital, at 3.1 per cent, is the highest since 2000. But this is a good thing, because it's lower than the average for Scotland as a whole (4 per cent.

Over in the all important tourist land, room occupancy has held firm at 83 per cent, although average revenue per room is down 8.6 per cent on a year ago. Now in my head that translates as less money, but apparently this is also a good thing.

And although Edinburgh's city centre is struggling to make good the disruption caused by the tramworks, the council argues that the city centre footfall has not significantly declined (whatever that means). Possibly because you have to walk everywhere, what with all the roads being closed.

So, to conclude;

Higher unemployment
House prices falling
Hotel revenue declining
Retail struggling

And that's not to mention the ongoing tram (singular) disruption, and the mounds of filth lying around due to the bin mens* ongoing industrial dispute.

Well done us!

*I'd like to commend the bin men who came round in a flat bed lorry at 7.15am on Sunday to pick up a settee that was lying on the pavement. Especially for picking up two computer chairs and stuffing them in the ordinary black bins thus preventing folk putting their domestic rubbish in. After all, it's not like they had an empty flat bed lorry with them or anything. The bastards.